there's just no substitution for you
by ohlookrandom
Summary: Spock and Bones exchange bodies in a freak accident. Kirk looks like Christmas has come early as he enjoys the hilarity of it all. And the rest of the ship just tries to keep up, really. Contains references to STID, but minimal.
1. Chapter 1

Before I say anything else, this story is not a hundred percent my idea. I was on Tumblr and I saw this fantastic gifset by bonesys and I was like "I GOTTA WRITE THIS STORY". So I started writing... and found myself writing a lot more than I intended to.

Without further ado, I present to you Freaky Friday in space with our favourite crew.

Disclaimer: No I don't own Star Trek.

* * *

_there's no substitution for you_

* * *

"So you did… _what_?" Sulu's eyebrows furrow as the doors slide open, letting him walk through with Chekov.

The young teenager is about to launch into another long-winded explanation when something blows right between them and knocks both men off balance. "Hey!"

The doors slide shut behind Dr. McCoy's speedily retreating form and Chekov just shrugs as he rights himself. "Maybe he's just hungry," he offers.

"The mess hall is where _we're _going, and he's going the other way. You know, for a navigator, you really do have poor navigational skills."

Chekov pouts and Sulu bursts out laughing. "Come on, kid, you know I'm joking. Let's go get some dinner. Outmaneuvering Klingons always makes me hungry."

…

"_Kirk_!" Bones slams onto the bridge, thinking bitterly that his entrance would be a lot more dramatic if those damn doors weren't so graceful. "_Where the hell are you_?"

The captain is, however, not on the bridge. Instead, Bones is greeted with the startled glances of the rest of the crew and the cool stare of a Vulcan First Commander. "The Captain is not currently present, Doctor," Spock says in his level tone. "Perhaps you'd be better off finding him in the mess hall."

"I checked the mess hall – he's not there-"

"Perhaps his room, then." Spock's face does not change its expression.

"If he's in there he's not answering, the damn idiot."

"If I may presume to ask, Doctor," Spock says politely, "exactly why are you searching for the Captain?"

Bones throws up his hands. "I am the CMO on this ship, correct?"

"That is correct, Doctor."

"So when it comes to health and safety my word is law, correct?"

"Not always, Doctor. One would think that the Department of Biological Sciences would have all say in the matters of-"

"Shut up, you pointy-eared hobgoblin. On _this _ship I know best when it comes to health and safety matters." Bones stalks over to a vacant chair and sinks into it with a huff. "Which means when I tell someone – even if it's the damn _captain_ – to take his medication, I _mean _it."

"Without the medication, he will continue to suffer adverse ill-effects from the Stelamite pollen," Spock says blandly.

"Well, at least _someone _on this ship knows what that means." Bones props his chin on his hand. "Damn it all, Jim."

Spock opens his mouth to say something but is cut off by the ship suddenly rocking violently to the left. "Sir!" a panicky female voice yells. "There's a problem!"

Bones resists rolling his eyes and making a sarcastic remark about how _observant _this shift was. Instead, he struggles to hold onto something as the ship rocks again, making a groaning noise that he doesn't particularly enjoy hearing. "What the hell?" he shouts.

Spock just ignores him and continues to issue commands, despite the unflattering pose he is currently in. From where he is splayed across the floor, he calmly states, "It appears that we have not actually been hit, but we have been sucked into a gravitational-"

"Don't tell me _what _this is, man, tell me how we're going to get out of it!"

"Doctor, you are panicking with no reason. It is merely-" Spock is cut off when a bright light sears the room, causing everyone on the bridge to throw up their hands involuntarily.

The last thing Bones remembers before hitting the floor is Spock collapsing against the railing, mouth wide in what he would best describe a surprised yelp. If the situation weren't so dire, Bones thinks before everything goes dark, it would be utterly _hilarious _to see the Vulcan try to grapple with surprise.

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As always, let me know what you think!

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	2. Chapter 2

Big thank you to everyone who favourited this story and followed it - I woke up to them and it made me so happy :)

Also, warning: I'm not very good at the science-y stuff, so bear with me!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

"Spock. _Spock_."

Bones wakes to the sound of Jim's urgent voice above his face. "What happened?" he mumbles, still trying to keep his eyes closed.

"Good, you're awake." There's a light slap on the side of his cheek. "Uhura, your boyfriend's fine, now will you please come get him before he talks my ear off?"

_What_?

Bones' eyes fly open just in time to see Uhura lean over him, her jaw clenched with worry. "Do you feel okay?" she asks, cradling his head in her hands. "We should get you down to medical-"

"Medical? No, I'm fine-" Bones grimaces as his stomach grumbles. "Maybe not."

"Exactly what happened?" Kirk demands to someone behind Bones. "And remember, Mr. Chekov, I want answers, not a scientific thesis."

"Ah, _keptin_, it appears that we were temporarily pulled into the orbit of a small moon. As the ship tried to pull out of orbit so abruptly the orbital strip grew much more chaotic and-"

"Are we under attack?" Kirk wants to know, barely concealing the impatience in his tone.

"No, sir, as I was saying-"

"I think we're fine, then." Kirk is bending over someone else on the other side of the bridge. Bones watches, his hand still clutching his stomach. "Bones. Bonesy. Wake up."

"Wait," Bones blurts, "I'm right-"

"Shhh," Uhura soothes, her hand rubbing comforting circles in his back. "Don't speak."

"But-"

"Spock," Kirk says, "I know you often want to offer an explanation but this is not the time, okay? You're tired. Go get some rest."

"I'm not Spock," Bones says loudly.

Kirk turns to look at him then, puzzled. Then something dawns in his eyes. "Great. Uhura, take him down to the med-bay. Make sure you tell them that he's got a concussion."

"Concussion? I'll give _you _a-" Bones breaks free of Uhura's grasp before the thought strikes him. He glances down at his hands and almost screams when he sees Spock's spindly fingers in front of him, not his own rough, calloused fingertips. "What the hell? I _am _Spock!"

"And delusions," Kirk adds.

There's a groan and when the other figure sits up, rubbing his head, Bones almost sticks his fist into his mouth to prevent himself from yelling when he sees his body from across the room. "That's-" he stutters.

"That's Doctor McCoy," Sulu supplies from his left, watching Bones struggle to come to grips. "Maybe you've got memory loss as well-"

"Damn it, man, I _know _who that is, that's _me_!" Bones watches his body turn to look at him, face curiously blank and stoic.

"How is that-"

"He is correct, Mr. Sulu. That is indeed Doctor McCoy you are addressing, and I myself am in his body." Spock inspects his new hands before pulling himself to his feet.

The whole bridge falls silent as they stare at the two men, piecing together the information in their heads. Finally, Bones sees his own mouth open, and knows with a sinking heart what Spock is going to say:

"How… fascinating."

That single word is enough to send Kirk into hysterical laughter.

* * *

As always, reviews are much appreciated!

Much love.  
ohlookrandom


	3. Chapter 3

This story just keeps on going. THANK YOU to all the new followers - I love y'all!

Disclaimer: NO OWNAGE.

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Despite the fact that he feels sick to his stomach, Bones insists on personally looking at everyone who was on the bridge at the time. Spock trails along, pointing out: "It is merely logical that I accompany you to provide a sense of normalcy, Doctor."

"Normalcy," Bones scoffs, not daring to look at his body. "Normalcy. Right."

"Are you doubting my logic, Doctor?"

"I'm doubting the whole-" Bones bites his tongue when a pair of nurses round the corner, chattering about their plans for next shore leave. Luckily, they don't seem to notice the scowl on Spock's face or Bones' unusually rigid, taut frame. Once they leave, Bones hisses, "How the hell are we going to make this right?"

He would never have guessed that his face could be so perfectly blank. "We wait, Doctor."

"We- _what_?" They both reach the med-bay and Bones proceeds to lock the door with his personal keycode. He rounds on Spock – er, his body, _damn_ how were they going to keep this straight? – "Are you out of your Vulcan mind?"

There's a pounding on the door before somebody from the outside yells, "Bones, let me in."

Bones groans. "Damn, it's Jim."

"That much is evident, Doctor," Spock responds, his hands still clasped behind his back. "He is also our captain, which means that should you fail to acquiesce to his demands you run the risk of being labeled a-"

"You know what, Spock? Sometimes you can be a real-"

The doors slide open and Jim strolls in with Uhura trailing behind him. "Sorry. Forgot I have the override code for all rooms."

"What do you want?" Bones demands.

"Answers." Kirk looks as though he's trying to suppress the delight that Christmas has come early. "What exactly happened on that bridge?"

"You tell me," Bones grumps, slouching onto one of the bio beds.

Kirk decides not to comment on how _weird _it is to see Spock so emotional, cantankerous, and… slouchy. Instead, he turns to Spock – er, Bones, er, what? – and tucks his hands into his pockets. "Alright, Spock. Tell me, since Bones is being such a grump."

Spock folds his hands behind his body and raises his chin a little –such a Spock move, Uhura thinks, pressing her fingers to her mouth. "At oh four hundred hours we were approaching the Kragtowlian System, passing by the moon of the planet Hon'Tihl-"

"It's great to see that you haven't changed mentally," Kirk says sarcastically.

"I do not understand, Captain, I believe my mental faculties are perfectly funct-"

"This, Spock, _this_." Kirk waves his arm at both Bones and Spock. "How did _this _happen?"

"That I am not certain of, Captain. I was in the middle of issuing orders, per your request when-"

"_Per your request_?" Bones sits up straight in the bed. "Yeah, where the hell were you, Jim?"

The captain sputters guiltily. "That's not the point-"

"Were you avoiding me because you didn't take the medication that I _told _you to?"

"NOT THE POINT," Jim says loudly. "Might I remind you that I'm not the one who's not in their right body? How are we supposed to fix this?" As a desperate attempt, he turns to Spock in Bones' body. "Spock, any bright ideas?"

"As I was telling Doctor McCoy earlier, I suggest that our highest priority is not to alarm the whole crew," Spock says, and Kirk almost winces at how dissonant it is to hear that Southern accent so flat and unfeeling. "Captain, I suggest that we proceed as though all is normal."

"You want me to lie to the crew?" Kirk asks.

"Lying, no. Exaggeration perhaps." Spock shrugs. "Vulcans are incapable of telling a lie."

Kirk snorts. "That certainly didn't stop you last week-"

Uhura emphatically clears her throat and Kirk rolls his eyes. "Alright, fine, fine. If no one asks we'll be okay, at least until this-" and he waves his hand at the two of them, "-wears off." He frowns. "And how long will that be exactly?"

"What about the other crew members that were also on the bridge at the time?" Uhura asks, ignoring Kirk as always.

"They seem fine. Mental faculties checked out. They also don't seem to be behaving too strangely," Kirk responds. He shrugs when Bones swivels his new head to look at him. "I talked to Chapel. She's handling all of them."

"But if they are under no adverse effects… why did it only affect Doctor McCoy and myself?"

"Maybe because this is just my luck," Bones grouses, rubbing the bridge of Spock's nose. "Really, Jim, why did I sign on for this five-year mission?"

"Because you said – and I quote – 'Somebody needs to stop you from doing something stupid, and you never listen to Spock so there needs to be at least two of us to hold you down.'" Jim smirks. "The irony."

Then he looks at Uhura, who looks as though she's just seen a ghost. "What?" he asks, the gleeful smile slipping off his face.

"The diplomatic mission with the Argelians," Uhura says. "They're expecting you _and _Spock to negotiate a treaty with them. _Today_. And you know that without the treaty there can be no-"

"-safe passage through the Argelian Belt," Kirk finishes. "The thought did briefly occur to me, yes." He shrugs. "I don't see anything wrong with that."

"If I may, Captain-"

"You're going to say it anyway whether I allow it or not-"

"-Lieutenant Uhura brings up a very valid point," Spock says, ignoring Kirk's quip. "The Argelians specified very clearly that they would only negotiate with you and your First Commander. They are expecting nothing else."

"So I'll just go as you," Bones says.

"Illogical. You do not have the necessary or relevant information to assist the Captain with this treaty."

"Well, I can't bring Bones with me," Kirk says, gesturing at his friend's body before remembering. "I can't bring you with me, I mean. I mean-"

"Can't I go?" Uhura demands.

"Negative. The Argelians are a species that adhere very closely to their contracted words. They will not accept any slight modification to what they have already conceived."

"We'll call them and tell them plans have changed."

"They will fire on you."

"There's _got _to be a way," Kirk snaps.

All four of them stay silent for a while before Bones sighs loudly. "You don't have a choice. I'll have to go. I'll just – nod at whatever Jim says."

"That's going to seem _extremely _uncharacteristic of Spock."

"You got _any other _bright ideas?"

Kirk only shrugs. "I do, but they all involve a heavy deal of shooting and right now we can't afford that. Here's what we're going to do. Spock, take Bones and go over the treaty outlines one more time. Make sure Bones knows it cold before we head into that room. Uhura, come with me. We're going to pay those crew members in the other room a visit, and somehow convince them to keep their mouths shut."

"And Sulu and Chekov?"

"Let's face it – those two don't talk to anyone else but each other. They're not going to tell anyone." Kirk thinks about it for a moment. "On second thought, you go see the crew members. I'll go get Sulu and Chekov to shut it."

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As always.. the routine stays the same. Reviews, though optional, are highly appreciated!

Much love  
ohlookrandom


	4. Chapter 4

Short chapter up today - one coming later tonight! Enjoy :)

Disclaimer: No.

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Four hours later, Kirk and Bones are heading towards the transporter room. "You good with this?" Kirk asks out of the corner of his mouth.

"If I say no, will I be able to get out of it?"

"This was _your _idea."

"Damn it, Jim, I know, stop reminding me." Bones brushes down his suit and tries not to think about how this isn't _his _body. "Just – get that treaty signed and we'll be back here in no time."

Kirk smirks. "You're actually going to leave all the talking to me?"

"If I wasn't masquerading as a Vulcan right now, I would punch you."

"Ah-ah, no, if you're going to play Spock, you're going to need to start practicing better than that." Kirk nods to a couple of crewmembers as they walk by. "_Especially _if you want the entire crew to be unaware that you're currently not – you."

He thinks he can almost hear Spock's teeth grinding against one another as Bones attempts to contain his temper, and resists the urge to begin laughing again. "Here, I'll help. Spock always refers to me as Captain."

"You know something?" Bones stops just as Ensign Liu hurries by, his head buried in a book. "Captain?" he forces out, and Kirk's grin only widens.

"See, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Kirk and Bones stop outside the room, where Kirk abruptly grabs his friend's elbow. "Okay, in all seriousness Bones-"

"Spock."

"Right." Kirk frowns. "In all seriousness, this is going to be difficult for both of us. The Argelians have never really liked us, so this treaty is going to be murder. Not literally," he hastily adds when the Vulcan's face takes on an unfamiliar expression of horror. "But just to be safe-" He hands Bones a gun. "Put that in your boot. And don't pull it out until the signal."

"What's the signal?" Bones asks as he follows Kirk into the room.

"Oh, you know, when they start shooting."

"_What_?"

"You'll be _fine_," Kirk drawls, his cocky demeanor back in place. He nods at Chekov, who's already mapping out coordinates on the screen. "Usually they never end in those."

"Usually?"

"Mr. Chekov, what are the statistics for our treaty negotiations?"

"About seventy percent successful, _keptin_."

"That's _thirty _percent unsuccessful, Jim! Captain! Ugh!" Bones grimaces before realizing how strange Spock probably looks. "I sincerely hope the Argelians are an unobservant lot."

"They are perhaps one of the most observant species in this galaxy, Mr. Spock." Chekov doesn't look up from his screen, so he misses the devastating glare Bones throws his way. "All ready, _keptin_!"

Kirk barks a laugh before slapping Bones on the back. "Cheer up, Spock. I'm the one who beat the Kobayashi Maru test, remember? I don't believe in no-win situations."

"Yeah, but _I_ do!"

Kirk only winks at him before Chekov hits a button and then everything shimmers out of sight.

* * *

Review please, my lovelies :)

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	5. Chapter 5

As always, thank you so much to the new followers, favouriters and to all those who reviewed! You are so kind :)

Hope you enjoy this new installment!

Disclaimer: Nope!

* * *

Meanwhile, back on the bridge, Spock is pacing up and down. Uhura, unoccupied by anything pressing, simply watches from her station, wary of anything that might give the situation away – like someone asking the doctor for the results of their last checkup or a crewmember asking Doctor McCoy when the next poker night was. Somehow, it puts her on edge, knowing that Kirk was down on a fairly hostile planet with a Spock who wasn't Spock.

But as far as it went, so far, so good. She checks her comm one more time – no distress signal, no hailing on the secure channel – which hopefully means that negotiations are going well and that Kirk and the doctor aren't dead.

"Chess?" she offers when Spock pauses near her.

"The doctor does not like to play chess," Spock reminds her, and Uhura has to really try and reconcile the flat, monotonous speech of Spock with McCoy's vibrant voice. "I believe he deals more with cards." He turns to look at the rest of the crew on the bridge – some of them, like Sulu and Chekov are diligently staring at their screens, but he notices that some of them are fast asleep at their stations. He makes a note to talk to Kirk about this later. "I am more interested in discussing our current situation."

"Mr. Chekov is busy figuring out a solution," Uhura assures him. "He's a genius, Spock, you know he'll figure it out eventually. It can't be anything too complex."

"On the contrary, the problem, I believe, contains multiple levels of complexity, but that is not what I was referring to." Spock blinks owlishly, a movement that _definitely _seems out of place on Bones' face. "I was referring to our relationship. It seems illogical to continue what we have considering the present circumstances."

"On what grounds?" Uhura raises an eyebrow.

"On the premise that the doctor and I are not currently in our present bodies. I am in his and for us to be seen together would not bode well for you, me, or the doctor himself."

"I agree." Uhura stands up, brushing down her dress as she does so. "Walk with me, Doctor McCoy, if you please."

"Where are we going?" Spock asks, following her out of the room.

"I'm hungry. I didn't get to eat when we ran into the gravitational pull. It happened so fast – and when we got there, you were on the ground and I was worried-" Uhura stops there. Spock watches as she takes a moment to recompose herself. "So I'm hungry."

Spock says nothing for a while as they enter the mess hall. The chatter of the crew members as they eat, gossip and laugh fills the gap between himself and Uhura, at least for a little while. Finally, Spock speaks. "I am sorry for worrying you."

Uhura laughs, a short, stifled sob mingling on the bottom notes. "You don't have to apologize."

Spock raises an eyebrow. "Jim is always telling me that I have to apologize to you."

Now Uhura actually laughs at that statement. "Guess he's good for something."

"He is good for many things," Spock corrects her. "He is a great captain-"

"I know, I know." Uhura swirls her oatmeal around in her bowl. "I just-" She stops. "You're right, I was worried."

"I am unsure as to whether you are implying there is more to that statement or if that is merely fact."

"It's just-" Uhura pauses to think about what she says next. "When you were in the engineering room with Jim a year ago. When he was in the radiation chamber – how did you feel, knowing he was dying? Or when you saw your mother die?"

Spock thinks about that for a moment. "Grief," he says.

Uhura nods. "I face that fear every day – every day I think about how we could all die. How you could go off one moment and be dead the next. When I saw you on that floor I almost lost it." She raises an eyebrow. "Illogical?"

"It does sound illogical," Spock agrees.

"Yes, I thought you would say that." Uhura takes a bite of her oatmeal. "Anyway. Maybe this whole switching bodies is good for us. It will let me get my head straight."

"You surely don't believe that," Spock says, and Uhura realizes that he's watching how much her hands are shaking, so she puts her spoon down and pushes the bowl away as she does so.

"I guess I'm not really hungry anymore," she mutters.

They sit in silence for a while as the crew members around them get up to leave. Finally, Spock breaks the silence. "I am unsure as to why you have chosen today to confide in me. Why not yesterday, or the days before this?"

Uhura scoffs. "Maybe I just think it's easier to confide in the doctor than it is to confide in you."

Spock's comment is cut off by a sudden squawking in Uhura's ear. Wincing, she leans away and begins to get up, listening to the steady stream of chatter pouring into the earpiece: from where he is, Spock can hear someone yelling something along the lines of _compromised, beam us up, duck! _

"Are they in trouble?" Spock asks, getting up and running after Uhura as she begins to run towards the bridge.

Uhura only rolls her eyes at him. "Did you really think that they _wouldn't _get themselves into trouble?"

If Spock were any other person, he would have grinned.

* * *

Thanks for reading guys - feedback is always appreciated :)

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	6. Chapter 6

I've decided that Kirk/Bones interactions are my new favourite things to write.

Disclaimer: I don't even own the Argelians, cute little - wait _what_?

* * *

"Have I ever told you," Bones screams as he runs after Kirk, "how much that signal _sucks_?"

"You know something? Spock doesn't yell," Kirk screams back as he hightails it out of the building.

"Have you forgotten!? I'm _not Spock_!" Bones takes the chance to shoot at the Argelians who are taking aim at them. "Damn it, this is why I stay on the ship, Jim!"

"Captain!"

"WHATEVER!" Bones and Kirk both dive at the same time when a volley of gunfire erupts above them.

"Kirk to Enterprise," Kirk yells into his comm unit, "we need to get out of here! _Now_!"

"Yeah, the Argelians don't look too happy with us-" Bones scrambles to his feet, pulling Kirk up with him. "God, I'm glad Spock's athletic."

"If it's any consolation," Kirk shouts over his shoulder as they take off running, "they were already planning on killing us anyway, treaty or no treaty-"

"What the hell, Jim?" Bones fires off a few more shots. "That does _not _make me feel any better!"

"In there in there in there in there!" Kirk takes a sharp right and veers towards a cave. "MOVE!"

Just in time, Bones feels his body tingling, and he glances down to see the familiar yellow swirls appearing. "Thank God-" he says just as everything fades to white and something stings him in the right shoulder.

He falls to his knees when he feels something solid beneath his feet. A hand grabs his shoulder and Bones almost shouts out in pain – and then he realizes it's Kirk, who's got a cut on his cheek but otherwise looks unscathed. "We are _never _doing that again," Bones growls, which sounds even more terrifying when it's in Spock's voice.

"Aw, come on, Bonesy, it was fun," Kirk grins, and Bones has to resist the urge to claw the smirk off Kirk's face.

There's a clattering of feet in the corridor before Uhura and Spock arrive at the door. Bones wonders briefly if Spock has treated any patients yet because wouldn't _that _be something to watch. "Hi," he says with as much restraint as he can, aware that the technician is watching the whole scene. "We're back."

Kirk rolls his eyes. "Way to play it up," he mutters before taking his hand away and swearing. "Oh, shi – Bo- Spock, you're bleeding."

"I - what?" Bones looks down at his shoulder and notices the green blood seeping through. "Ah, damn. Bullet wound."

"Come with me," Spock says in a carefully controlled voice – apparently, the technician hadn't escaped his notice, either. "I can treat you down in the med bay."

"It's only a flesh wound," Bones insists. "I can treat myself."

"With all due respect, Mr. Spock, that is a wound that is best treated in the confines of the medical facility on board. Please come." Spock holds out his hand and Bones almost wants to cry at how _badly _they are playing each other. He glances briefly at Kirk, who is at least _trying_ to hide the amusement on his face.

"Bridge to Captain Kirk. Your presence is needed immediately, sir." Sulu's voice crackles and Kirk swears under his breath, the lopsided grin sliding right off his face.

"Blasted Argelians are probably trying to mount an attack," he grumbles as he takes off running. "When you two are done, I need you up on bridge as soon as possible."

Uhura nods to both Spock and Bones before she follows Kirk. Spock glances at Bones, who's trying to adjust the too-tight collar: "The treaty negotiation did not go well?" he asks.

Bones only mutters something that sounds like _Thank you, captain obvious _as he stalks towards the med bay.

"I do not understand. I am not the captain – that alone falls to the responsibility of Jim-"

"Shut _up_, and come help me with this wound."

Bones makes sure that the door is locked behind the both of them before he collapses into the bio bed, cradling his shoulder. "_Damn_, this hurts. How do you do it? I've treated you for bullet wounds before."

Then he notices Spock standing by the supplies closet, coolly observing the hyposprays, drugs, and medicines stocked in neat rows. "Exactly what are you doing, Spock?"

"I am considering the many options I have for treating you."

Bones almost kicks something in frustration. "You mean you don't know how to treat wounds?"

"I am a commanding officer, not a doctor."

Bones bites his tongue to keep himself from making a snarky comment. "Alright. Okay. Fine. Fair enough. You aren't a doctor and I'm not a diplomat." He nods at the hyposprays. "Bring me the first one on your left. It should already be loaded."

Spock complies, and Bones grits his teeth as he injects himself. "Okay. Get me those tweezers. I hope you're not queasy at the sight of blood."

"Considering that the average body has approximately six quarts of blood, I would think it highly illogical to not appreciate-"

"Stop talking," Bones growls, "and get me the tweezers and a bandage, damn it."

Spock hands him the necessary tools without another word and Bones grimaces as he tries to move his arm. "Okay, Spock. Here's where it's going to get messy. You need to get the bullet out of the shoulder right now or it's not going to be pretty." He hands Spock the tweezers. "It's a small bullet and I don't think it's too deep."

Spock eyes him. "The percentage of this succeeding is-"

"The percentage of me killing you in your sleep if you don't stop talking is a hundred percent," Bones snaps. "For the love of God, Spock, please just-"

There's a sting that cuts him off, and then Spock emerges back in his line of sight holding a bullet. "There you go," he says with what sounds like a smug note in his voice as he wraps the bandage around Bones' arm. "Will that be all?"

"Stop sounding so smug," Bones mutters as he hops off the bio bed. "Come on. Jim needs us on the bridge."

* * *

The Argelians have turned! Oh no! Let me know what you think of them - and the story, while you're at it...

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	7. Chapter 7

Merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream...

Disclaimer: I dreamed I own Star Trek but I don't think that's the same thing.

* * *

"There you are," Kirk says grumpily when they both arrive on the bridge. He seems unfazed by the explosions and bright lights that are exploding in front of his face, lighting up the entire bridge. Bones flinches, remembering the searing bright light that had started this whole situation, but he tamps it down and swallows the fear. "Took you long enough."

"What do you need me for?" Spock asks.

"I don't need either of you. But I figured that since you two are in your current state, it's best that we stick together at all times." Kirk grins.

"You just want to laugh at our expense," Bones accuses.

"Oh, Mr. Spock, you know me _so _well."

Scotty's voice comes over the Captain's personal con: "Ready for warp, sir!"

"Excellent. Punch it, Mr. Sulu. Let's get out of here."

Once they exit warp, Bones sees the captain's tense shoulders drop. "Worried?" he snarks.

Kirk snorts. "When have I ever been worried?"

"On multiple occasions, Captain-"

"Okay, I don't really need to – hear any of that." Kirk waves his hand at Spock. "Especially not from you in your current state. Let's go. Debriefing time. Mr. Chekov, Mr. Sulu, Lieutenant Uhura – follow me please."

Bones and Spock exchange a glance with each other before they do an about turn and follow Kirk out of the bridge. Bones grimaces as the shoulder twinges – "What did you _do _to it?" he hisses to Spock.

"I merely followed instructions, Doctor," Spock says, staring straight ahead, and Bones swears he can see the hint of a smile on his face.

Bones scowls at him as the doors ahead swish open. As he takes a seat next to Uhura, he whispers, "Sorry about this. You know. Me being in the way of you and your boyfriend and all."

She gives him a tiny smile but before she can say anything more, Kirk clears his throat. "Okay. Clearly we all know we have a…situation."

"Of catastrophic degrees," Bones mumbles.

"Aw, stop being such a spoilsport, Bones. It's _hilarious_."

"On the contrary, Captain, I do not understand why the context of our current predicament is amusing." Spock is calmly sitting ramrod straight in his chair. From his slouched position across the table, Bones just rolls his eyes.

"Well, you two don't have a sense of humour," Kirk snorts. "I actually think it is great." He snaps his fingers, thinking. "At any rate, we need to do damage control, fast. We all understand that not a word of this escapes to the crew, correct?"

Everyone in the room nods solemnly.

"Good. Mr. Chekov, any progress since I asked you to help?"

"Errrr, no, _keptin_. There hasn't been any time."

"That's fine, kid. I understand that it's been a busy day for a lot of us." Kirk slings a leg over his chair. "Still, we need to do something about the situation. We clearly can't have the both of you running around acting like each other, because you two are the worst at it."

Bones and Spock say nothing as they lock glances across the table. For once, they are in agreement.

"But we can't have them switch roles, either," Sulu points out.

"Why not?" Uhura asks.

"Mr. Sulu is right. Do you know how confused everyone will be if Bones suddenly shows up as First Commander and Spock becomes the CMO? Nobody is going to take them seriously." Kirk wisely doesn't say what he's thinking: _even I'm not taking them seriously. _

"How long is this going to last?" Bones asks.

Everyone turns to look at Chekov, who's busy calculating on a piece of paper. "By my estimate, Mr. Spock – er, Doctor-"

"Just go with it," Kirk interjects, staring at the ceiling.

"Possibly six months."

"Six _months_!?"

"Or longer."

Bones sputters in disbelief. "How-"

"We are still in the Kragtowlian system," Chekov explains. "If what has happened is indeed linked to the system that we are in, then-"

Bones doesn't hear him because he's too busy swearing under his breath. Uhura winces when she catches phrases like _damn you for bringing me on _and _stupid space why couldn't we just stay on earth _and _five years what the hell was I thinking_? With all the diplomacy she can muster, she asks, "And there's _nothing _we can do?"

"Not exactly. I hypothesize that if we can somehow unscramble the particles-"

"But you have a plan?" Kirk asks, as always not wanting to hear the long-winded explanation.

"A very shaky one, _keptin_, but a plan nonetheless."

"Good man. Hear that, Bonesy? Kid's got a plan."

Bones just groans from where his head is in his hands.

"In the meantime," Kirk says, "we're going to have to play dodgeball with any questions that might come up. Spock, Bones, we're going to have you remain in the original positions that your… bodies… were formerly in." He winces at that phrasing. "As much as you can, you're going to learn each other's roles so that if push comes to shove, you can pull this off effortlessly."

"Vulcans cannot lie," Spock points out.

"As you're so fond of pointing out, Bones – Spock – I need a better way to identify you," Kirk growls in frustration. "Don't think of it as lying. Think of it as…" He stops to think about it.

"Not telling the whole truth," Sulu supplies from the end of the table.

"Yes! That's it." Kirk slaps his hand on the table. "That seem okay to you?"

"It seems logical but not very ethical, Captain."

"Yeah, well – ethics went out the window along with normality today." Kirk props his chin on his hand. "Understood? We'll help you as much as we can."

"By helping," Bones says sarcastically, "do you mean laughing at us?"

Kirk smiles sweetly at Bones. "Isn't that what I _always _do anyway, Bones?"

Bones makes up his mind that when this is all over and Kirk is due for a checkup, he's going to stab him with a hypospray. He's busy mulling over where he should stab Jim when Uhura stops both him and Spock. "I need to talk to you," she says quietly.

Kirk looks as though he wants to loiter around and listen in on this conversation, but Sulu, ever the practical, diplomatic one, grabs him and Chekov by the arm. "We'll see you in the mess hall," Sulu says before physically hauling the other two out.

When the doors shut, Uhura turns to face both men. "This could be potentially troublesome regarding sleeping arrangements," she says.

"Regarding-" Bones glances between Spock and Uhura before he realizes what she means. "OH. I'll just sleep in my room. I mean, the room I actually own. So…not the room that you two share."

"It will seem strange to those who are not aware of this situation," Spock points out. "Somebody will notice that the doctor is constantly entering the First Commander's room every night along with Nyota, and that the First Commander himself is sleeping alone."

"I'll move out," Uhura offers.

"Too much trouble, and you don't have a room since you gave it up," Bones says. He grimaces. "Does your room have a couch, Spock?"

"A small one, indeed."

"I'll sleep there, then. It's fine."

A look of relief flits over Uhura's face. "That okay with you?" she asks Spock.

"It is the only logical solution." Spock inclines his head towards Bones. "I also have complete trust that the doctor will take care of you, should the need arise."

"Should the need… arise?" Bones chokes on the last word, feeling the flush rise up his neck.

Spock tilts his head quizzically. "Yes, Doctor. If the ship comes under attack or if for some reason, there needs to be an evacuation, I am trusting you to take care of Nyota."

_Ohhhhh_. Bones feels Spock's bony shoulders relax. From behind Spock, he can see realization dawn in Uhura's eyes as well. "My God, man, you should have just _said _that." And then he rushes out of the room, not really wanting to stay anymore for this conversation.

Spock turns to Uhura, an eyebrow raised. On Bones' face, it looks out of place, like the doctor is confused but not at the same time. "Was it something I said?"

Uhura doesn't know whether to laugh or sigh, so she settles for only shaking her head. "No, Spock. Come on. Let's go."

* * *

My second favourite thing is seeing Bones stammer.

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	8. Chapter 8

Oh my goodness, this might be the longest chapter I've written so far.

In the meantime, this fic is almost at 30 followers! I don't think I've ever gotten so many before. Ahh, you guys make me so happy. Thank you for following and favouriting and reviewing so far. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Disclaimer: Banananananananananannanananananana.

* * *

The night passes by without incident, which Bones is thankful for. Yet he can't help but sigh when he wakes up after a restless night to find himself on Spock's couch, still trapped in the Vulcan's body with no idea how to cope.

So he settles for pulling on Spock's uniform – _God, _Spock was way too organized – and slips out of the room while Uhura is still sleeping, blankets still pulled up over her head. It's only oh seven hundred hours, so the hallways are quiet and still, devoid of any life.

His feet take him towards the med bay by instinct, feet echoing strangely in the deserted halls. He passes his own room, where Spock is sleeping, and resists the urge to go in and collapse in his own bed. Rubbing his eyes, Bones continues on, self-consciously touching his new pointy ears. The thought occurs to him: _I'm going to die with pointy ears. Damn. _

"Commander Spock?" A voice snaps him out of his thoughts. He turns to face a nervous looking man, who is clutching a screen with images on it. "Commander, I have the data on those shuttles that you requested yesterday morning. I'm sorry I took so long to get it back to you but-"

"It's fine," Bones interrupts, taking the screen from him. He hesitates when he looks at the data – _I can't read any of this_.

"What do you think, sir?" the man asks. Bones furrows his brow.

"Uh…" he begins nervously.

"Ensign Fritz." Kirk's voice reaches the two of them, and Bones almost swears out of pure relief. The captain reaches the pair, smiling as always with that charismatic grin, even at seven in the morning: "Aren't you on duty right now, Ensign?"

"Yes, Captain, but Commander Spock asked for these yesterday and I just thought I should run them along to him."

"It's seven in the morning – you're lucky you caught him at such an early time," Kirk says, still smiling. "Anyway, you'd best be going along now. Big day ahead."

"Aye, Captain." Ensign Fritz salutes before heading back the way he came.

Kirk reaches out to take the screen from Bones' slack hands. "You're lucky I was around," he says with what would sound like a touch of superiority without the tired notes to his vocal cadence.

"What are you doing up?" Bones wants to know. "You never get up before ten and even then some days I have to drag you out of bed to get to the bridge."

Kirk shrugs, not looking at Bones. "I guess I just wanted an early start to today."

Bones looks closely at Kirk, who only waves him away. "You haven't been sleeping," he accuses the captain. "There are dark circles under your eyes. Are those blasted allergies to the pollen keeping you up again?" The two of them round the corner into the med bay, where Bones promptly locks the door behind them. "Because I should remind you that I've been telling you to take your medicine since day _one _of you falling ill-"

"Look, I'm just a little worried." Kirk rubs at his eyes. "I'm just… I've been up all night trying to find out what this could possibly be." He sinks onto the bio bed, dropping his face into his hands. "I've got nothing," he says, his voice muffled.

At a loss for words, Bones stands there for a moment while Kirk recomposes himself. "Up _all _night?" he repeats, finally.

"Aw, damn it, Bones, don't give me a hard time for trying to help-"

"You know that I'm grateful to you for even getting off your ass to try, Jim, but you can't stay up all night. It's not good for you. It's illogical, even." Bones swings himself up onto the bio bed opposite Kirk.

Kirk cracks a smile. "Ain't that what Spock would say?"

"Stop trying to imitate a Southern accent, you'll never get it right."

They both chuckle at that for a moment. Finally, Bones looks at Kirk. "So you really stayed up all night for Spock and me?"

"Well-" Kirk shrugs, not meeting his friend's eyes. "I mean, I guess I figured Chekov would appreciate it if I listened to what he tried to tell me once in a while, you know? And see if I understood what the hell goes on in his mind." He cracks his knuckles and it echoes in the dead silence of the room.

Bones smiles as gently as he can. He knows that that's Kirk's way of saying _well, yeah, course I did, I care about the both of you_.

Suddenly, the alarm goes off, blaring loudly and startling the pair. Instinct makes both leap up, boots hitting the floor and racing towards the door. Kirk pulls it open with a little too much force and almost jams his fingers until Bones grabs him and forcibly throws him out of the room.

There's a sudden flurry of action in the hallways as officers leap out of their rooms, swarming towards their posts and almost tripping over themselves as they struggle to pull on shirts, pants, shoes. From up the hallway, Bones sees Spock emerge from his room, face serene and calm even in the midst of chaos – if _anyone _was paying attention, they would know that there was definitely something wrong with the doctor. In reality Bones was _never _that serene, even when the ship was casually drifting along in space.

"Captain on the-"

"Yeah, yeah," Kirk says brusquely. "Status report, Mr. Sulu."

"It appears that we've been ambushed by the Argelians, Captain."

"_Ambushed_?" Kirk spits the word out as though it's poison in his mouth. "I _hate _it when people ambush us, can't they just attack us like men head on and be done with it-"

"Actually, Captain, that defeats the purpose of the tactical-"

"Not _now_," Bones hisses to Spock.

"Engage shields," Kirk orders.

"Shields are already engaged, sir."

"Can we get out of here?"

"Negative," Chekov says from Sulu's side, fingers dancing across the wildly flickering screens. "Ahead of us is the Argelian Belt, sir."

Kirk curses. "I thought we had a few more days before we hit that blasted thing."

"Ahh, yes, _keptin_. It appears that the data we were given regarding the Belt was faulty and outdated."

"The Argelians gave us that-" Kirk stops, his eyes narrowing. "_Oh_."

"We could fire back, but they're cloaking themselves. Not anything we can't pick up, it's just that our targets are shaky at best," Sulu informs him. "We could regroup. The nearest station is two sectors away."

"Evasive maneuvers, then, Mr. Sulu." Kirk takes a seat in the chair.

"Aye, Captain."

"There is another way, _keptin-_" Chekov pipes up.

"I'm trusting you, Chekov. Get us out of here."

"But it's highly risky-"

"Wait, Captain. There's someone hailing us on our channel," Uhura says from behind the trio. Bones glances behind him in surprise; he hadn't heard her come in. She swivels to face them, control in every one of her features: "Should I patch them through, Captain?"

"Throw them up on the ship's conn," Kirk orders.

She flicks a switch and the crackle fills the bridge, replaced quickly by hissing. Bones visibly shudders, remembering the hissing speech of the Argelians. Somehow, it seemed even more terrifying when it was amplified on a speaker.

"Greetingsssss, Enterprisssse," the voice said. "Thiiss iss Admiral Gluk Keueitt of Argelia(1)."

"Yeah, I remember you," Kirk says impatiently. "You're the guy who tried to kill my First Commander and me. You wanna explain to me why you're trying to kill my entire crew?"

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to antagonize the guy currently attacking us," Bones stage whispers at Kirk.

"Shields at sixty percent," Sulu warns.

"You broke our contract." Gluk Keueitt sounds too excited about this fact. "You promissssed to negotiate with your Firsst Commander and no one elsse."

"I did," Kirk says flatly.

"You did not, Captain Kirk." Bones can almost hear the tongue flecking across the dry, lizard like lips of the Argelian admiral. "You dare make a fool out of uss Argelianss? We are not sss-tupid. Commander Sssspock is well known to us. You did not bring Commander Ssspock to the negotiation treaty."

"You know, Admiral Keueitt," Kirk says stubbornly, "I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Hey, while we're at this, you want to tell me why you gave us faulty data that might have gotten us _killed_?"

"You were going to die anyway, Captain Kirk. I did not think it mattered much whether it was by our handss or if it wass by the Argelian Belt."

Kirk snorts. "You play fair. Now. You can either back the hell away from my ship, or we can do this the hard way."

"Shields at fifty three percent," Sulu says.

The admiral sounds like he's choking on his own spit, but Bones knows from experience that he's laughing. "I would like to see you try to attack us, Captain. You are outnumbered, outgunned."

Kirk looks over at Chekov, who has his brow furrowed in concentration, shaking his head – _not ready, not ready_. Then he looks at the rest of his crew, all of whom are busy trying to get themselves out of this mess.

"Any lasst wordss?" the admiral hisses.

"We've been over the treaty negotiations," Spock whispers in Bones' ear. "You know what our leveraging point is."

"Say something, then," Bones whispers fiercely.

"Negative. It needs to come from you, Doctor."

Bones feels his heart jump into his throat, but he takes a deep breath, steeling himself: "Admiral Keueitt," he says, thinking about how to channel the annoying Spock voice. To his relief, it neither shakes nor trembles. "It would be highly illogical for you to attack us now."

"Why, if it issn't Commander Ssspock himsself." The admiral sounds surprised.

"The chances of you succeeding in your attack are slim," Bones continues, watching Spock, who's holding his gaze steady and nodding slightly. "Er… it would be a grievous waste of manpower and resources for your planet, and we both know that there are little resources left on Argelia for you to use."

There is silence on the other end of the line, and Kirk motions for Bones to continue as Chekov continues to frantically program numbers. Fumbling at straws, Bones continues: "We are better off as your allies, Admiral. Do not make enemies of us."

Now the whole bridge is watching, holding their breath. Bones feels the sweat pool in his palms, and he surreptitiously wipes them down. He looks at Spock, who mouths, _Weapons. _"We have weapon capabilities far beyond your imagination, far beyond your species. Our Prime Directive instructs us to only explore, but do not think for a moment that if you antagonize us we will not hesitate to push back." He pauses, remembering something Sulu said a year ago: "If you test me, you will fail."

"Shields at forty six percent, Captain," Sulu whispers.

"So what will it be, Admiral?" Kirk asks. "You've heard my First Commander speak. What is your choice?"

The crackle of static is the longest sound Bones has ever heard in his life. Finally, the admiral speaks. "You win _thiss_ time, Commander Ssspock." And then dead radio silence.

"They've cut all communication," Uhura says.

"They're also gone," Chekov adds, scanning the area.

"Gone? How can they just be _gone_?" Bones demands, legs suddenly feeling weak and wobbly.

"Who cares?" Kirk whoops. "They're gone – you won, Bon- Spock! You won!" and he claps Bones on the back with a lot more force than necessary.

Spock only tilts his head towards Bones with grudging praise. "Well done, Doctor," he says in an undertone that only Bones can hear.

"Don't ever let me do that again," Bones mutters.

The hint of a smile appears on the other man's lips. "I will do my best not to, Doctor."

* * *

(1) EDIT: It's been brought to my attention that the Argelians do actually exist in _Star Trek,_ and they're completely different from how I've portrayed them in this fanfiction. I'm not quite sure how this happened, since I've never heard of them before I made up their name on the spot for this story. Still, mistakes are mistakes, so I am writing now to tell you of mine - hopefully it won't interfere too much with the story! For now, I would suggest separating the canon Argelians from these Argelians of mine. And I also suggest looking them up - they actually seem pretty cool! Thanks to user **Obsessive6** for pointing this out to me - you are one dedicated Trekkie :)

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	9. Chapter 9

Hey! You made it this far! Congratulations. :)

Hope you guys enjoy the latest chapter! Also - big thank you to all those who reviewed, favourited, and followed!

Disclaimer: Look man.

* * *

"I don't even _care _that you're getting all the credit," Kirk says later when they're all in the mess hall. He takes a bite of his apple. "Way to step in when you needed to, Bones."

Bones glares at him, taking a vindictive stab at his bowl of soup.

"_Keptin! _I have outlined a tentative plan for the reversal process," Chekov announces, sliding down the bench.

"_Shhhh_!" everyone hisses. Sulu grabs the papers out of Chekov's wildly flailing arms and hands it to Kirk, who snorts and hands it to Spock. "What? I can't read it," he says when Sulu gives him a look.

Spock smooths the paper out, blandly noting the unusual size of the doctor's hands. He silently pores over the calculations, head bent and scrutinizing the numbers. Bones glances nervously around, but nobody seems to realize the odd behaviour. "Mr. Chekov," Spock says at last, "it appears as though you intend to descramble our particles before reassembling us. Is that correct?"

"Hold on, what?" Bones chokes on his soup and Kirk thumps him soundly on the back. "Descramble? _Reassemble_? I didn't sign on to this ship to get my atoms partially rearranged, thank you very much."

"It might be the only way to get you back, Bones," Kirk says.

"What's the risk probability of this going wrong?" Bones demands.

Chekov fiddles with the pin on his shirt, taking a long while to respond. "Er…" he hedges.

"Mr. Chekov?" Kirk fixes him with his best no-nonsense captain glare.

"Maybe… sixty percent."

"Sixty percent seems like an unusually generic number, Mr. Chekov," Spock says. "Do you have an accurate number for us?"

Chekov winces. "Maybe sixty nine point four five percent, Mr. Spock."

"So seventy percent," Bones summarizes, pushing his bowl away. Suddenly, he doesn't feel much like eating anymore.

"That's not too bad," Kirk says, ever the eternal optimist.

"On the contrary, Captain, sixty nine point four five percent yields us approximately thirty one percent of success. Hardly good odds." Spock continues to sip at his soup. "I am afraid that this is not a feasible option."

"There's got to be another way," Bones says.

"I concur with the doctor. Often when faced with a problem I discover that there are multiple ways to solve it. There is never just one-"

"Alright, zip it, Socrates." Kirk rolls his eyes. "Mr. Chekov. Is there no other way?"

The teenager looks at his calculations. "Uh…"

"If I may, Captain," Sulu says, coming to his friend's defense. "He was up for half the night trying to figure this problem out. Give him time."

"I can figure it out," Chekov insists. "I can do that."

"No one doubts your abilities, kid," Bones says with as much reassurance as he can despite the leaden feeling in his stomach. "Just… six months is a long time."

"There is a high probability that it might be longer," Spock supplies.

Bones groans.

Kirk checks his watch and sighs. "I've got to get back to the bridge. Mr. Sulu. Mr. Chekov. With me, please. Bones, Spock, you two go do whatever you need to do. Stay safe. Don't go swapping bodies with anyone else, I've got enough on my plate."

"You speak as though we intended to perform this strange act ourselves," Spock says.

Kirk grins. "I wouldn't put it past the two of you to try and mess with me this way, actually. Now shoo. Go to the med bay or something."

Everyone leaves except Spock and Bones, the latter staring morosely into his untouched bowl of soup. "What are we going to do, Spock?" Bones asks, swirling his spoon around.

Spock only shrugs. "As I have previously advised-"

"Come on, man, don't tell me you don't feel a shred of anxiety about this situation."

Spock gathers up his bowl and Bones does the same. "Doctor, it is not the Vulcan way to expend energy thinking about such things."

"I'm the Vulcan now, and I'm _still _worrying."

Spock lets out a sound that vaguely sounds like a snort. "That is because emotional self-control is learnt, Doctor. It is not inherited. Vulcans do not automatically learn how to control their emotions from birth – it is a process that I think most humans would benefit from."

"And by most humans, you mean me."

"I did not say that."

"You _implied _it!"

Spock only lifts his shoulder casually. "You infer."

Bones glares at him. Then his shoulders slump. "Ah, damn, I hate it when you're right, Spock."

"I find that I am often correct in my presumptions." Spock folds his hands behind his back and does a little rock back and forth on his heels. Bones winces when a pair of yeomen hurry by and give Spock a strange look.

"Don't do that," he says when they're out of earshot.

"Don't do what?"

"That." Bones gestures at Spock. "Don't be so… rigid. I'm not that stiff."

Spock only gives Bones a very puzzled look. "I find that you-"

"I don't want to hear it," Bones cuts in. "Look, Jim's right. We're not very good at playing one another. And if we're going to convince anyone that we're each other, we're going to need to do much better than what we've done so far. So." He holds out a hand. "You're gonna have to teach me how to be a Vulcan, and I'm gonna have to teach you how to be human. Deal?"

Spock thinks about it for a second before he reaches out to grip Bones' hand. "Very well, Doctor. However, I feel that I should warn you that I am already half human and as such, am well aware of those emotions. We will most likely be spending most of the time teaching you."

Bones scowls at him. "Fine." And then he remembers that he has a much stronger grip now that he has Vulcan strength, and as such takes a little bit of delight in watching a flicker of pain cross Spock's new face.

"Where shall we begin?" Spock asks, falling into step with Bones.

"Well. Since you said that you would find adjusting to being me much easier, I thought we would start in the med bay." Bones rubs his hands together. "You're going to be the CMO, so we'd best get you started."

Spock blinks owlishly. "Very well, Doctor."

"You think it's going to be easy, don't you."

"My presumptions are very rarely wrong."

Bones only bares his teeth in a strange caricature of a grin. "Alright, Spock. We'll start with the hard stuff, then."

* * *

Will Spock ever be wrong? Stay tuned to find out.

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	10. Chapter 10

Chocolate chip cookies all around! Big hugs to all of you who have stayed with me thus far :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek but I do own the best chocolate chip recipe in the world.

* * *

"Penny for your thoughts."

Kirk starts guiltily from his reverie by the window. "Mr. Sulu," he says, accepting the cookie the other man hands him. "Oooh, chocolate chip. My favourite."

"Homemade. My mother sends her regards." Sulu gives him a mock salute.

"Tell her she's an angel," Kirk says around a mouthful of cookie. "So, there something you want to talk to me about?"

"With all due respect, Captain, you were standing by that window for an hour and a half without moving. Chekov and I were taking bets on how long it would be before you collapsed."

"Who won?"

"Didn't seem fair – we were wagering between five minutes to half an hour."

"Mmm." Kirk goes back to staring out the window.

"Thought I'd come by and see what was eating you." Sulu pauses. "As a friend," he adds.

Kirk gives him a small smile, knowing that Sulu and him are close in a different way than he is with both Spock and Bones. "Just worried, I guess."

"About the doctor and Spock?" Sulu joins him by the window.

"Yes, that too." Kirk hesitates. "But there's something else," he adds slowly.

Sulu shrugs. "I'm off duty. Lay it on me. You know everything we say between us is confidential."

"Like the time you told everyone we went skiing down a restricted zone in the Azudomonite Highlands?"

"_You _told everyone that. I didn't know I was supposed to deny it."

"I was drunk," Kirk says dismissively.

"Right. Or you just wanted to impress the new nurse, and she's got loose lips," Sulu grins. Then he grows serious again. "Sounds like whatever's bothering you is serious."

Kirk brushes crumbs from his uniform. "I don't like how the Argelian admiral backed off so quickly," he admits at last. "Something's not right."

"You think he's got something up his sleeve?"

"I _know _he's got something up his sleeve. The only problem is I don't know what it is, or why he wants to use it." Kirk grunts. "Why attack us? The Federation has never given the Argelians any trouble. They know we could obliterate them if we wanted. Why now? Why quibble over something as stupid as Spock not being Spock?"

"How _did _they know Spock wasn't Spock?"

"Bones may have sworn multiple times while reading the treaty negotiations and muttered something about the admiral being a scaly lizard under his breath."

"Typical of McCoy."

"You said it." Kirk presses the base of his wrists against his eyes. "There's something here that I'm missing, Sulu. I just don't know what it is."

"Look, the Argelians are nitpickers. You know how much they like playing by their own rules and contracts. Not a hair out of place, not a single differentiation between what they've stated and what they expect. Maybe that's all it is, really."

"That's not it," Kirk mutters. He thinks back to the bridge and the confrontation. "Why wasn't he expecting Spock to speak?"

Sulu wrinkles his brow. "Not sure I follow."

"When Bones started throwing all that mumbo jumbo about the Prime Directive around. The Admiral wasn't expecting Spock's voice. He was surprised when Bones pulled off the act. Why?"

"Because Spock wasn't behaving like Spock down on Argelia."

"No. That's not it. It was like – it was like he wasn't even expecting Spock to be _on _the ship."

"But he saw you get beamed back to the _Enterprise_. For that matter, why back off so suddenly? He could have tried to attack us anyway, act or not."

"Yes, Mr. Sulu." Kirk drums his fingers on the glass, feeling the ship hum beneath his fingers like a purring lion, ready to attack. "Why, indeed."

* * *

Why, in_deed_. Hoping you had a lovely 4th of July if you're American - if not, I hope you had a lovely 4th of July anyway!

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	11. Chapter 11

More chapters - hope y'all like it! Also, thanks to **Tai **for identifying an error in the previous chapters - it has been fixed :)

Disclaimer: Boy, I _wish_.

* * *

For the fifth time in ten minutes, Bones has to restrain himself from physically shoving Spock aside and doing the whole thing himself. The Vulcan had done an adept job so far at learning what basic medicines to administer and the procedures needed for minor wounds – "Child's play on Vulcan," he had sniffed while Bones tried not to grit his teeth – but he really was _terrible _at being a doctor in any other area.

Case in point - the patient currently staring up at the pair of them obviously has no idea what in the good name of Starfleet is going on. "Say that again?" he asks, visibly puzzled by the overly technical terms Spock is spouting.

"I am not quite sure how you are not comprehending this, Ensign Proudian. It appears as though you are suffering ill effects primarily caused by the imbibition of excessive drink. This is further exacerbated by your consumption of mussels, which, I believe-" Spock glances at Ensign Proudian's file. "-you are allergic to. Symptoms include your frequent episodes of regurgitation-"

Proudian retches and Bones hands over the already half-full pail as the poor ensign empties out his stomach contents. Spock blithely continues as though nothing else is happening. "-complaints of headaches, adversity to light… Ensign, I must ask you. Did you drink any alcohol last night?"

"No," the poor man groans into the pail, voice coming up as a hollow echo. "I was on shift."

"And the mussels?" Spock asks.

"Dinner. I didn't know that the soup was clam chowder."

"There aren't any mussels in clam chowder," Bones says dryly.

"Actually, Mr. Spock-"

A vicious glare from Bones is enough to shut Spock up for once.

"Well, I don't know," Proudian moans, finally coming up for air, face pale and sweaty. "Can't you just give me a sedative or something?"

"Negative," Spock says, still reading through Proudian's file. "It says here, Ensign, that you are a 'recovering alcohol addict'."

"That was five years ago, Doctor," Proudian protests. "I hardly see how that's relevant."

"On the contrary, Ensign Proudian, it is relevant. Were you drinking last night?"

"Doctor," Bones says in a warning tone.

"I don't have to deal with this," the ensign says with as much indignation as he can manage while going particularly pale with green edges. "I'm going to my room, Doctor McCoy. I will inform the Captain that I am unfit for duty." With a backwards glare, he shuffles out of the room, still clutching his pail. Bones winces as he hears a familiar retch in the hall about ten steps away from the door.

"Good job," he says wearily. "You've just scared away a patient."

Spock only shrugs and turns away. "An officer who is drinking while on duty ought not to be on this ship-"

"He _wasn't drinking_," Bones growls, suddenly angry, and it's worse because he doesn't know if he's mad at Spock or if he's mad at everything in general. "Damn it, Spock, if you had an _ounce _of medical training in you, you would know that that man was suffering from a case of Yuhoggen roundworm. They exist in clams and only affect those who are allergic to clams or mussels." He throws up his hands and stalks to the other side of the bed. "The point is that when you're the CMO, health comes first, lectures come later!"

"Is that what you are doing right now?" Spock asks with what Bones classifies as 'snark'.

"My God, man, we came here to _learn_ how to be each other, but the more I'm with you the more I realize that we're completely different!"

"Didn't we establish this earlier?" Spock asks coldly.

"Yeah, we did." Bones scowls darkly. "I'm not sure why I thought things would be _any _different."

"Because you are human and I am not, Doctor," Spock responds. "You rely on illogical assumptions while we rely on what we know to be true."

"You _green-blooded hobgoblin-_"

"Kids," Kirk says from the doorway. Both men turn to look at him. "You two know that I enjoy a fight just as much as anyone else, but _not now_." He strides into the room, shutting the door and locking it. "We need to talk."

"The only talking I'll be doing is over his dead body," Bones snaps, jerking his head at Spock. "You know where to find me, Jim."

"Yes, the medical bay, and we're standing _in _it," Kirk says sarcastically. "Stay, Bones. That is an order from your captain."

"Don't you pull the rank card on me-"

"Please, Bones, I could pull a lot of cards on you," Kirk snorts. Even though Spock's physical frame is taller than he is, he holds his ground and stares Bones down. "_Sit._ That goes for you too, Spock."

When all three of them have calmed down sufficiently – two, really, since Spock appears to be the only calm one in this mess – Kirk begins to speak. "I don't know what the hell is wrong _now_, but we have bigger problems than the both of you trading barbed insults. Which, by the way, is refreshing when you aren't insulting me."

Stony silence. Kirk feels the half-smile slip off his face. "Fine. Don't respond. Whatever." He flicks something on his screen, and a holographic projection appears in the middle of the room, showing a planet revolving slowly. "Argelia. Spock. Tell me everything you know about it."

"Specifically which elements, Captain?"

"Anything you think might be important. I don't want a history lesson. Why are they so desperate to come after us?"

"No resources. Dwindling population." Spock blinks twice. "It goes against reasoning as to why they would choose to attack us rather than befriend us."

"Exactly. That's what I thought, too."

"All by yourself?" Bones asks, still grumpy.

Kirk valiantly ignores the jab and continues to thoughtfully spin the hologram around. "So why are they attacking us then? There's nothing our ship can offer that would help them."

"We offered them protection in the Federation in return for the safe passage through the Argelian Belt," Spock says. "That alone would provide reasonable grounds for their cooperation."

Kirk drums his fingers against his arm in agitation. "There's something here that I'm missing. Is there a puppetmaster involved that maybe we don't know about?"

"Another Khan?" Bones asks, feeling a familiar pit in his stomach.

"Not as sophisticated," Spock says, joining Kirk. His fingers are laced behind his back, back rigid as though he is standing at attention. "No, I doubt there is a puppetmaster. If there is such a person, they would have levied their demands through the Argelian admiral by now."

"Maybe they're just mad because the Spock they expected wasn't the Spock they got," Bones suggests. "You did make a point about how they were a stickler for the rules."

"No… it doesn't feel that simple." Kirk rubs his face.

"Nothing ever is, Captain," Spock says philosophically.

"_Thank you_, Spock. You're always such a ray of sunshine."

Spock looks at Bones. "I assume that that is your human equivalent of Vulcan wit," he drawls.

"Oh, it's _your human equivalent_ now, is it?" Bones growls.

"Don't disappoint me, Doctor. I assumed there would be a more colorful metaphor to go along with your newest attempt to elicit an emotional response."

"Kids," Kirk says, trying to maintain an aura of composure, but Bones roars: "I'll give _you _a colorful metaphor for you to think about!"

"Bones, _wait-_"

Later on, Chekov, Sulu and the rest of the crew gape at a battered Kirk when he limps onto the bridge. "Don't ask," he grumps, flinching as he settles himself down into the captain's chair with a very visible favouring of his right leg. "Just… I don't know. Get me some ice. Or something."

"Should I get the doctor? Or the nurses?" Chekov asks in alarm.

"If you bring Doctor McCoy up here, Mr. Chekov, so help me I will tear you apart and demote you to engineering for the rest of your life." Kirk winces. "Just ice. Please."

He meets Sulu's gaze as Chekov scrambles off the bridge, looking mildly terrified. "Stop looking so amused."

"Sorry, Captain." But Sulu is unable to keep the tiny smirk from twitching around the corners of his mouth. "Bit of a scrimmage with the doctor and Mr. Spock?"

"Nothing as bad as the bear you had to wrestle that one time we were on Pandorica."

Sulu makes a noise of assent as the doors slide open and Chekov rushes in with a bag of ice. "Thanks, Mr. Chekov," Kirk says, grimacing as he bends down to apply the ice to his rapidly swelling ankle. "Let's all just pretend that this never happened."

The whole bridge hesitates.

"_Now_," Kirk repeats with emphasis. "It wasn't a question. As you were."

* * *

Some days I think about how being on the _Enterprise _would be so much fun, but then I think about the near death experiences and I'm like "Meehh, maybe not."

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	12. Chapter 12

You guys have made me so happy with all the positive reviews and favourites/follows! Ahhh, you make me smile. Thank you so much for all the support thus far.

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.

* * *

The room is dark when Uhura finally slips through the door. "Doctor McCoy," she whispers into the shadows. "Are you awake?"

"Unfortunately," Bones grumps from the couch.

"Sorry, did I wake you-"

"No, no, you didn't. Lights, twenty percent." The lights overhead flicker on to reveal Bones still dressed in Spock's uniform. "Can't sleep. Blasted uniform is too tight. I suppose you don't know where Spock keeps his sleepwear?" He scratches his head and yawns, which makes Uhura smile because for a moment, Spock just seems so – _human_. Bones freezes suddenly. "Is that an awkward question to ask a woman?"

Uhura laughs as she deposits her communicator by the bedside table and takes off her boots. "Ordinarily, yes, Doctor McCoy. But this is not an ordinary situation." She takes off her earrings before continuing. "I'm afraid Spock doesn't have any sleepwear."

"What, at _all_? Does he not have any spares?"

Uhura only grins as she heads into the bathroom, and Bones groans when he understands what she means. "_Damn it, _I really did not need that visual, Uhura." He makes a mental note to set the sanitizing cycle to full volume for his room if this mess ever got sorted out. "I guess I'll be sleeping in the uniform."

"Vulcans don't really need to sleep," Uhura says from the bathroom, her voice echoing and hollow. "You will be fine for a couple of days, given that you take naps here and there."

"If your boyfriend doesn't get my blood pressure too high and kills me," Bones mutters.

"What was that?" Uhura asks, poking her head out from the bathroom.

"Nothing!"

She fixes him with a suspicious stare before withdrawing. "So I heard you two had a little brawl with the Captain this afternoon," she calls.

"Jim's being a baby. It was a scratch."

Uhura walks out of the bathroom dressed in an oversized T-shirt and sweats. "A scratch that required several nurses fussing over him and bags of ice?"

"The ice – possibly necessary. The nurses? All a contrivance of Jim's doing." Bones sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Okay, yes, Spock and I had a go at each other and Jim got in the way."

"Spock attacked you?"

"More like I attacked him," Bones admits.

Silence from Uhura. Bones wonders if he should apologize, but before he can open his mouth to say anything, Uhura simply says, "Good."

"_Good_?" Bones wonders how many times he's been repeating things the last few days.

Uhura snorts, sitting down on the bed and drawing her legs close to her. "Do you know how many times I've wanted to punch him?"

"You're – you're in a relationship with him!"

"Doesn't mean I don't want to smack him over the head sometimes." Uhura wraps her arms around her legs. "Jim and I talk about it, sometimes. Spock can be a little…aggravating."

"A _little_!" Bones huffs. "He's been insulting my intelligence all day. That patronizing tone of his – God, I want to punch him every time he says something."

Uhura smiles. "Has he brought out the '_I presume that that hypothesis you just made was your form of humour' _line yet?"

"That's an actual _line _from his mouth? And he said that to _you_?" Bones barks a laugh. "You're one of the smartest women I know!"

"Well, you know Spock," Uhura says with an air of resignation. "He thinks everyone isn't good enough for him."

Bones shakes his head sympathetically. "I'm so sorry for you."

"You should be," Uhura deadpans before breaking out into laughter.

When their chuckles subside, Uhura tucks her hair behind her ear. "He's not all that bad, you know," she says quietly.

"Yeah?" Bones sits up to look at her.

"Yeah." Uhura stretches out her long legs on the bed. "Everyone thinks he isn't human, and he wants everyone to think that, but-" She hesitates. "He's more human than he cares to admit."

Bones thinks back to the rare times where he saw Spock really lose it. The first time was when Spock almost punched Jim's brains out over the Enterprise console. Then there was the time Spock's mother died in front of him. He'd seen a crack through the veneer then, even if he hadn't thought about it at the time. And then there was Khan, and then there was Jim's almost death. Bones thinks back to a year ago, when Spock sat by Jim's bed for almost a week and refused to leave even when Bones tried to throw him out. "I guess you're right," he says reluctantly.

Leaning forward, Uhura laces her fingers together and steeples them under her chin. "Don't give him too hard a time," she says gently. "Being human is difficult for him, you know. Logic is easier to follow. There's no guilt involved there."

"Yeah, but does he have to be such an _ass _about it now?"

Uhura clicks her tongue in agreement. "No one knows, Doctor. I guess you and I will just have to find out for ourselves."

"Why do you love him?" Bones asks bluntly.

"Why do I love him?" Uhura taps her finger against her lips. "Well. I guess he is an enigma."

This earns her an eye roll from Bones.

"Well," Uhura says, cutting to the chase, "I guess I knew the day we got onboard the _Enterprise. _When everything started happening so quickly, I _knew_, you know? I just knew when his mother died in front of him. I knew it right then and there that I would never ever want to see him die." She smiles sadly. "Not that way emotionally, at least. That's why it hurt so much when Jim died back in that chamber. I lost a close friend, but I also felt like I lost Spock a little bit that day."

Bones sits up to watch her. "You know so much about him," he says, an idea beginning to take root in his mind.

She quirks a smile. "I watch, Doctor."

Bones nods thoughtfully. "Sorry that you're stuck with a cantankerous Southerner."

"Actually, Doctor, your presence has been very comforting." Uhura smiles at him. "I thank you."

Bones groans. "You even _sound _like him."

She shrugs. "All I am saying is, go easy on him. He's still embracing his human side."

Bones huffs. "Fine. You know, if _anyone _else asked me to do it…"

"You would deck them?"

"Like cards," Bones confirms.

"Except maybe not Chekov," Uhura says.

"Maybe not the kid," Bones agrees.

They sit in silence for a while before Bones clears his throat. "You want me to get him to be more human?"

"That's an uphill task, Doctor, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy." Uhura smiles. "All I'm asking…"

"-is for me to go easy, I know, I know." Bones rubs the bridge of his nose. "I'll do my best as long as he doesn't try to kill me."

"Where are you going?" Uhura asks when she sees Bones get up and start moving towards the door.

"I have a lot to think about," Bones says, "and it's late. You should get some sleep, Uhura. I'll see you in the morning. Good night."

"Good night," she says, and the door is beginning to slide shut when she calls, "Try not to punch him _too _hard tonight."

"No promises," Bones gripes as the door shuts with an audible click. Uhura only laughs.

* * *

I'm still doing cartwheels in my mind.

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	13. Chapter 13

You make a humble author so, so happy. Thank you all again!

Disclaimer: Seventeen postcards and thirty letters. That's all I got for ya, but no claims to own Star Trek.

* * *

The bridge is humming with quiet energy when Bones steps onto it. Several people look up at him, nodding in acknowledgement before going back to studying their screens. Bones glances around before his gaze settles on the one person he expects to be there no matter what – Spock is seated in front of the captain's chair, eyes locked on the endless scene of space stretching out before him.

"Doctor," he greets Spock carefully, sitting next to him. "Can't sleep?"

"I find that sleep eludes me, despite being in a body that requires it," Spock answers, shifting his position to accommodate Bones. "You, however, do not need it."

"Yes, Lieutenant Uhura informed me of this." Bones glances around. No one is listening to them speak. He frowns when he sees someone asleep in front of his station. "Gotta talk to Jim about _that _one," he mutters.

"How is she?" Spock asks, turning his head to look at Bones.

"About as well as she can be." Bones hesitates. "She and I had a little talk about you," he admits.

"I presume you two discussed at length your aggravation regarding my disposition." Spock's voice is neutral, but if he listens carefully, Bones can hear the tinge of bitterness concealed beneath the Southern cadence.

"Well, yeah," he says, trying to sound like he's joking. "What else would we talk about?"

Spock actually smiles a little. "That is one thing I like about you, Doctor. You do not hide things from me. Were you a Vulcan, I imagine that we may have been fast friends."

"Yeah, Pointy Ears, I don't think that that's a feasible situation," Bones snorts.

"Indeed." Spock resumes staring out the window.

Bones pauses a little, thinking about Uhura's request. "Well, I don't think it's too late," he says at last.

Spock glances at him again but does not say anything.

"To be friends," Bones clarifies. "We're stuck as each other. We might as well make the best of it. I don't understand you – but maybe it's because I don't know anything about the way your Vulcan mind works."

"That is because we have not spent time with each other in close quarters," Spock says. "But you have a fair argument."

"It's strange to hear you agreeing with me."

"As I have pointed out before, Doctor, we have agreed on multiple occasions."

"Multiple may be a slight exaggeration," Bones drawls. "But then again, Vulcans don't lie, right, Spock?"

"Indeed, Doctor. You are learning." Spock nods at him.

"So what do you say, Spock? You taking the olive branch?" Bones holds his hand out.

"That statement perplexes me, Doctor. I do not see you extending foliage to me."

"It's a metaphor – forget it. How about we call each other friends and get on with it?"

"Our current state may not be classified as friendship, Doctor, but I am willing to go along with this experiment." Spock shakes his hand firmly. "Though I am unsure if our new endeavor will yield a much more positive outcome than this afternoon's attempt."

"I didn't take you for a pessimist, Spock."

"Not a pessimist, Doctor, a realist. There is a fine difference, I find."

Bones just rolls his eyes. "Alright. Fine. Realist. Whatever." They fall into comfortable silence, with only the soft humming of the ship, occasional chatter on the bridge, and the rhythmic snoring coming from behind them. Finally, Bones speaks again: "Maybe we should tell each other stories about ourselves. You know, just so we know a little bit about each other."

"I am afraid that my life yields no interesting stories, Doctor. As you are so fond of pointing out, I had no childhood."

"That is _not _my fault – who sticks their child into school at the age of five?"

"Vulcans," Spock says flatly.

"No _wonder _you don't have a sense of humour."

"Oh, I have a sense of humour, Doctor. It so happens to be much more refined than yours. I do not expect you to understand it."

Bones almost snarks something back at him, but he takes a deep breath instead and repeats in his head: _be the bigger man, be the bigger man_. "Alright," he concedes, "I'll give you that. But think about it logically, Spock. If we know a little bit about one another, we can better act as one another. Understanding comes from factual knowledge, does it not?"

"Not in all matters," Spock says, "but again, you present a fair and logical argument. Very well." He spreads his arms wide. "What would you like to know about me?"

"Tell me about your mother," Bones says, getting right to the heart of it.

"My mother, Doctor?" Spock blinks. "I fail to understand her relevance in this whole situation."

"Oh, I think it's relevant," Bones says, hoping that the gamble he's taking doesn't backfire into Spock shutting down on him. "Your whole life, you've been wanting to impress your father, so you rely on your Vulcan logic, your rational side. You don't _like _your emotions because they remind you of her, doesn't it?"

"You presume," Spock begins, but Bones jumps in.

"That's why we need to talk about her, Spock - because this whole exercise is about learning how to be one another. I need you to be human." Behind his back, Bones crosses his fingers, hoping that the gambit will work.

"What basis do you have for that assumption?" Spock asks. "You have no evidence, no proof. At best you are only positing a theory."

Bones taps his head. "It makes sense, does it not?"

Spock hesitates, struggling to fight the inevitable conclusion in his head. Finally, he relents. "Very well, Doctor. You present a persuasive argument that I cannot contend with."

Bones almost pumps his fist at the victory, but he composes himself. "We'll go slow," he promises. "Tell me about yourself first."

Spock looks out into space, his eyes fixated on the endless, undulating waves of space that stretch in front of both of them. "As you ask. I was born in the year 2231. You are aware of my birthplace on the planet Vulcan…"

* * *

And - scene. I have an overwhelming urge to film this.

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	14. Chapter 14

My eyes are watering and I need some sleep, but you guys make me so happy to still be a functioning human being. :) Thank you to all who have reviewed/favourited/followed!

Disclaimer: Nah na na na na - wow, FANTASTIC BABY [props if you get this reference]

* * *

Without any further complications from the Vulcan or the doctor, the days slide by like pearls on a string. Even despite his misgivings, Kirk finds himself relaxing against all odds, the matter with the Argelians slipping into the back of his mind after he completes a report and sends it off to Starfleet. He makes sure to leave the whole 'out of body' experience out of the report, of course – the last thing he wants is an order to get back _now _to solve this matter. Knowing his luck, he'd probably get demoted for "not adhering to the standards set out by the Federation".

"So what do you think we should do when we hit shore leave?" Sulu asks, two weeks after the skirmish with the Argelians. "I hear Tu'van has some pretty awesome hiking trails."

Kirk snorts. "_Hiking_? Give me more credit than that, Sulu. We'll find something to do."

"Is it going to be illegal?"

The captain grins a lopsided grin. "What do you think?"

"Count me in," Sulu smirks. "Want to join us, Uhura?"

Uhura rolls her eyes, though both Kirk and Sulu know that she means it fondly. "No, thank you. You boys go ahead and have fun breaking all the rules. I'll just watch when you get arrested and thrown into jail."

"Well, you know what they say," Kirk says flippantly. "It isn't a party until _somebody_ gets arrested."

"Chekov?" Sulu appeals to the teenager, who still has his head bent over his books and notepads. "Come on, man, you've got to get out of this ship."

"No, is okay," Chekov says, his voice distant. "You go ahead."

"Mr. Chekov," Kirk says in his best stern _I'm your captain so you'd best obey _voice, "I highly suggest that you vacate this ship at least once this shore leave. Actually, make that an order. I order you to leave this ship at least _once_."

"Aye, Captain," Chekov says in the same distant tone, still wrapped up in his equations.

"What about Mr. Spock and Doctor McCoy?" Sulu asks.

"You know, that is a _fantastic _question. Where are they, anyway?"

"Probably the med bay," Uhura says from behind her book.

Sulu begs off visiting the two of them, instead choosing to try and coax Chekov out of his obsession over his numbers, figures and equations. So Kirk heads down alone, nodding cheerfully at all the excited crew members as they chatter excitedly about the upcoming vacation. He figures they could all use the break – the unexpected attack by the Argelians had left a good number of souls shaken. His own nerves were unusually frayed due to his personal concerns about his two friends.

Kirk reflects on the activities he'd already scoped out for this shore leave. There was supposedly a mountain on the planet Tu'van that nobody had ever scaled because of how high it was. Which, of course, meant that he and Sulu were going to try and reach it, legends and myths about the snow monsters be damned. He figures that they stand a good chance since the locals are all about three feet high and unable to tolerate the cold up on the mountain, and if anything, both he and Sulu –

His train of thought stops when he opens the door to the med bay. Spock is sitting on one of the bio beds, looking bored beyond belief as Bones appears to be massaging his neck for him. "What the _hell_?" Kirk demands. "Is this your idea of foreplay, or something? Why didn't anyone tell me? I've got a crick in my neck, really need someone to sort it out-"

"I can break your neck for you," Bones offers, his voice tart. "That'll sort it, right?"

"Watch the tone, Bones, or I'll maroon you." Kirk grins. "Exactly _what _are you doing, anyway?"

"We thought it logical that Doctor McCoy should learn how to employ the Vulcan nerve pinch," Spock says in his monotone. "So far it is proving unsuccessful."

"I bet you didn't learn how to do it the first try," Bones retorts.

"You are correct, Doctor. I learned it on the second attempt."

"Well, a hop, skip, and a jump for you," Bones snaps. "Something you want, Jim, or did you come just to taunt us?"

"I actually came in to see what you were planning for shore leave, but this is fascinating, too." Kirk hops up on a bio bed.

"Careful, Captain, or else the doctor may just practice on you," Spock says.

"Look at that! He has a sense of humour after all. Didn't know you had it in you to make a joke, Spock," Kirk quips.

"It wasn't a joke," Bones mutters, going back to squint at Spock's exposed neck. "How the hell do you make it look so easy, man?"

"Practice," Spock deadpans.

"…That is a very disturbing idea."

"Is it? I was not aware. I would apologize if I had any remorse." Spock fixes his stare on Kirk, ignoring Bones' mutinous mutterings from behind him. "To return to your original point for visiting, Captain, I believe I have no concrete plans for shore leave."

"I don't, either," Bones says. "I'll probably be here all leave trying to figure out how to do this blasted pinch. And trying to teach Spock here how to operate on something without killing it."

"I am still under the impression that you were influencing the holographic simulation in order to see me fail."

"You stabbed the fake patient in the _heart_, I didn't influence you to do anything-"

"Maybe you two should go out together," Kirk suggests, tactfully ignoring the bickering. "Make a day of it. At least you two won't damage anything on the ship if you get into a fight."

"The Captain does present a convincing argument," Spock says – well, more like directs to Bones, since he is still facing forward. "It would also fit in with your suggested plan for acquainting ourselves with each other, Doctor."

"Fine, whatever. Will it shut the both of you up?"

"That's the way to take it, Bones," Kirk says in that maddeningly cheerful tone.

"And yourself, Captain? What plans do you have for shore leave?"

It is then that Kirk realizes how terrible this idea is, coming to Bones and Spock to tell them about his plans to scale an unscalable mountain on an alien planet that not many people have heard about. "Er, nothing," he stalls. "I think Sulu and I were just going to… hit up some local bars. You know, pick up some women. The uh, usual." He checks his wrist – "Oh, look at the time, it's almost my shift!" – and then flees the med bay, leaving only a slightly angry Bones and a resigned Spock behind.

"He's going to do something stupid, isn't he," Bones says. It's not even a question anymore.

"The likelihood of Jim performing a deed that may potentially lead to his death is very high, yes," Spock says.

"And Sulu's not going to say no, is he."

"Given that Lieutenant Sulu has been present for almost every one of Jim's 'stupid-ass decisions', as you have termed them, I believe that that is the general trend, yes."

"Can we _fire _him from being Jim's friend?"

"Though I do say that I concur with your sentiments, Doctor, I am afraid that that is not an avenue for us to pursue."

Bones only sighs and goes back to practicing. "Well, you'll have to mop him up if it comes to that. Okay. Let's try this again."

* * *

I don't put it past Spock to stab someone in surgery quite by accident. He's logical but does he also know what he's doing?

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	15. Chapter 15

It's a beautiful Sunday and I've spent it watching Star Trek clips of Bones and Spock. Good way to spend a day? Yeah, I think so.

Disclaimer: I do own the planet Tu'van. I have real estate stakes in different galaxies.

* * *

Shore leave comes too slowly for everyone's liking, but eventually the day dawns when they can actually glimpse the dock and see tiny Tu'vanians waving them in. Kirk is in exuberant spirits as always, almost bouncing on his heels like an excited kid. "Attention to all stations," he announces, not even _trying_ to keep the glee from his voice: "I am pleased to announce that we have safely arrived on Tu'van. Shore leave begins now. Please be aware that at oh eight hundred hours in two days we will depart, with or without you. Should we need to contact you, it will be via your communicators, so keep them on you at all times." He glances over at Bones. "That it?"

"I think so," Bones responds. "Captain," he adds hastily when Spock raises an eyebrow at him.

"Alright, that's it! Have fun, kids!" Jim disconnects from the system and reclines in his chair. "Well, what are you waiting for?" he drawls at the pair in front of him. "_Shore leave_. We've been dreaming about this day for weeks. Let's go!"

"I'm begging you to not get yourself killed," Bones says in a resigned tone – he's already come to terms with the knowledge that Kirk never listens to him. Still, he plows on. "I don't want to know what you and Sulu are going to do, and I don't think I want to know, either. Just – don't come back with any broken bones, bullet wounds, or concussions. So help me if you die, I'm going to bring you back to life just to kill you."

"Is that concern I hear, Bonesy?"

"Yeah, but not for you – for Spock. I just taught him how to bandage a wound properly, I don't need you testing him."

"I have full confidence in my abilities as a medical officer, Doctor," Spock says smoothly. "You ought to as well. Though, Captain, I would appreciate it if you did not test either myself or the doctor."

"Oh, relax, you two worrywarts," Kirk says impatiently. "Sulu and I will be _fine_." He grins brightly, and Bones fights down the urge to remind him of the time they came back with broken ankles, concussions, snapped wrists, and at one point, Andorian shingles. God, he had _hated _that last one the most.

"Very well, Captain." Spock inclines his head. "We will see you in forty eight hours."

"Be careful, Jim," Bones warns one last time, feeling something like anxiety stir in his stomach. This time, however, he manages to banish it using the techniques Spock had taught him a week ago. It doesn't altogether work – he still has an irrational urge to grab Jim and demand that he have a camera on him at all times – but he manages to keep it to a minimum.

"You too, Bonesy. That goes for you as well, Spock."

"I am always careful, Captain."

"Yeah, but- Ah, forget it. Why am I still talking to you?" Kirk bounds out the door, an irrepressible ball of energy. Bones rolls his eyes as he hears the distant echo of Kirk's whooping float through the doors.

"He's a _child_," he comments to Spock.

"I do not believe that Jim is a child by your human standards," Spock counters. "That standard falls more to humans like Mr. Chekov, does it not?"

Bones just doesn't even comment on Spock's rebuttal. He's learning to let it go. "Where is Chekov, anyway? Jim said something about the kid not leaving his room."

Right at that moment, the doors slide open and Chekov walks in, nose buried in a sheet of notes. Spock clears his throat – a little too noisily, Bones thinks grumpily – and Chekov's head snaps up, clearly startled to see the two men still standing on the bridge. "Mr. Spock. Doctor McCoy. What are you still doing here?"

"You know, kid, sometimes I wonder the same thing," Bones says dryly. "But we could ask you the same question."

"Indeed, Mr. Chekov. One would think that you would be using this free time to relax." Spock folds his hands behind his back before remembering Bones' lectures about not standing quite so rigidly.

"Ahh," Chekov hedges, "I am not one for relaxing, I am afraid." He waves his notes around. "I will be on the ship attempting to solve your current predicament. The physics of it is -"

"Chekov, you can't stay on this ship all day," Bones interrupts. "You'll go mad."

"I do not think it is possible for one to lose mental capabilities simply by staying on the ship, Doctor," Spock begins.

"Am I the doctor or are _you_?" Bones cuts him off. "Look, Chekov. Come out with us. We're stuck with one another for the next few days – weeks – months-" He chokes before he says _years_. "So we're going out for a few drinks. Observe the native culture or something. Come with us, and then you can get back to your numbers later."

Chekov hesitates, still clutching his notes. Sensing that he might need a little more persuasion, Spock picks up on Bones' argument. "The doctor is correct in his analysis, Mr. Chekov. Human studies have shown that without proper rest, human attention spans greatly decrease, thus causing the decline of productivity."

"I _hate _it when you agree with me," Bones mutters under his breath. Spock gives him a look out of the corner of his eye.

There is a pause before Chekov sighs. "I guess you're right, Mr. Spock, Doctor McCoy."

"Great," Bones says with much more optimism than he feels. "Meet you outside in ten minutes. Last one there buys the drinks."

"That does not seem like a fair method of determining payment," Spock objects. "Mr. Chekov was known to be the youngest cadet to win the marathon in Starfleet."

"Then you just gotta be fast, then Spock." Bones grins. "See you in ten minutes!"

He ends up last because someone overrides his keypad code and jams it, forcing him to wait an extra five minutes before he can leave his room. When he gets outside, fuming inwardly, Spock looks too innocent while Chekov wears a tired smile. "Fine," Bones growls. "I'll buy the drinks. But tomorrow, we're going to learn how to amputate a leg, Spock, and you'd better pray that I don't amputate you."

* * *

Why, Spock, was that a human _prank _you just pulled?

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	16. Chapter 16

I'm calling this chapter the 'hardest chapter to write'.

Disclaimer: 2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate!? Tu'van because I actually own something but it's not Star Trek so yeah.

* * *

They end up in some dive in the middle of town, partly because the ones closest to the Enterprise are packed full of screaming Tu'vanians and a few already-highly-drunk crew members from the Enterprise. Chekov almost walks into a 'dance club' before Bones realizes why the women are grinning very flirtatiously, promptly grabs the startled Russian and hauls both him and the blank Spock out of there. Then there are some highly suspicious lasers shooting out of the third bar, so they decide unanimously that they're probably not going to try that one.

So the bar that they end up in turns out to be quiet enough that Bones can actually hear himself _think _over the sound of everything that's happening. Still, he can't shake the bad feeling he has about this place, even though the sun is still streaming through the windows. Maybe it's the windows that look as though they've been hastily boarded up. Or the suspicious looking dark stain on their table top. Either way, Bones eyes all the patrons of the club with a very wary eye.

"So…" he says, not really knowing what to say. "I'll go get something for all of us to drink. Gentlemen?"

They give him their orders – a vodka for Chekov (Bones raises his eyebrow at that but says nothing) and a water for Spock ("Vulcans do not drink, Doctor") – and Bones heads off. Chekov and Spock don't say anything for a long while; the former is too busy staring at his hands, obviously wishing to be back on the ship, and the latter is simply watching him curiously.

"How are the calculations progressing, Mr. Chekov?" Spock asks finally. The chatter in the bar rises above them both, entwining itself in the rickety beams overhead. It somehow only amplifies the awkward silence.

"Not very well, sir," is Chekov's half-hearted answer. "I can't find any other solution to the particle problem. The delicate nature of the particles are already difficult to understand, let alone unravel." He winces. "I am afraid I have failed you again, Mr. Spock."

Spock is about to dryly remark that _failure is an integral part of our lives, Mr. Chekov, it seems illogical to dwell on them, _but something in him stops the words from leaping off his tongue like barbed darts. He mulls over what the doctor would say, or Uhura, Jim, or even Sulu should they all be here. "I am not familiar with this previous failure you speak of, Mr. Chekov," he offers at last.

Chekov still won't look at him. "I never apologized to you personally for your mother's death. I had her, sir-"

"I disagree with your assumption, Mr. Chekov." The words sting Spock when he remembers the way his mother looked at him as she fell, all those years ago. He remembers asking himself, _was it my fault? _Somehow he does not find it illogical that Chekov is also haunted by the same question. Still. It was a mistake that any man would have made, even seventeen-year-old boy geniuses who surpassed expectations at every turn. "You have _never _failed me."

"I have, Commander."

"Failure does not come easily for you," Spock observes, noting the heightened colour in Chekov's cheeks.

"It does not, Mr. Spock. My father-" Chekov stops, embarrassed.

"I presume that your father does not welcome failure. Mine did not, either." Spock blinks slowly, once, twice, thinking about the distance between himself and his father still. He thinks about how there will always be a gap between them without Spock's mother as the bridge. "We are our father's sons, Mr. Chekov, are we not?"

He means this last comment to form some sort of camaraderie, but the teenager only looks ruefully down at the table. "I do not accept failure," he says. "I have never wanted to accept failure, not from myself. And these days-"

"On the contrary, Mr. Chekov. When analyzing your impressive credentials, one notices the list of accolades accrued in such a short time in the Academy. If you have failed, I imagine that they have only molded you into a better person."

Silence.

"You know as well as I that the captain values your work on the _Enterprise. _I am opposed to Jim on many issues, but on this matter, I support his opinion." Spock steeples his fingers together, still watching Chekov. "Your work ethic is exemplary; your loyalty, unwavering. Captain Kirk and I are hard pressed to find a navigator of exceptional skill such as yourself. Lieutenant Sulu speaks highly of you in reviews, and Nyota has taken a personal liking to you. I also find that Doctor McCoy adopts a paternal form of behavior when he is in your presence. None of us are of the impression that you have failed in any regard, Mr. Chekov." Spock lets that sink in for a moment. "None."

"But the particles, sir-"

"A trifling matter," Spock pauses, "and one that will be dealt with in due course. I feel as though we have been perhaps a little unfair in our demands of you as of late. Perhaps an apology is in order."

"None required, sir." Spock notes with some pleasure that Chekov's smile is a little warmer now, a little freer, a little more cheerful.

Just then, Bones returns from his trip to the bar. "I miss anything?" he asks, voice low.

"I do not think so," Spock replies.

"Good. Because I think we're being followed." Bones growls when Spock tries to look around him. "Good God, man, at least _act _like you're being subtle." He shifts his weight to put the glasses down on the table, letting Spock get a clear view of the citizens at the bar. "See that guy at the far end?"

"Indeed."

"He's been following us all day. I remember him because he has a blue stripe down his face. He was also watching me the whole time I was at the bar." Bones takes a deep breath. "Either one of you got your phasers on you?"

"Negative," Spock says as Chekov shakes his head, eyes wide.

"Communicators?"

"I did not think it was necessary, Doctor."

"Damn it, Jim told us to do _one _thing, and we screwed it up," Bones curses. "This was supposed to be a _vacation_, not a mugging." He glances at Chekov. "You can run, right, kid? Good. I need you to get back to the _Enterprise. _Find whoever's on board to help you, then keep an eye on our vitals. The minute you see anything spike – the minute _anything _seems out of place – you send out the cavalry to find us. Okay?"

Chekov nods. "Good," Bones says, exhaling. He watches Chekov slide out of his seat, carefully brushing himself down. "See you soon," he says in a much more normal tone of voice as Chekov turns stiffly to leave. "God, I hope that's going to be true," he mutters to Spock.

Spock glances over as the man continues to watch them from his seat. "Your hypothesis, Doctor?" he murmurs.

Bones takes a sip of his drink, hoping his hands aren't shaking too badly. "I heard him talking to someone earlier. I'm a doctor, not a xenolinguistics expert, but it sounded vaguely like Argelian to me."

"You think he was sent to eliminate us."

"I think it's highly untrustworthy that someone speaking Argelian is in the same vicinity as us, given our skirmishes with them lately." Bones takes a deep breath. "Yet he does not look like the Argelian ambassadors Jim and I went to meet. Too humanoid."

"A pawn in this game," Spock murmurs. "What is our next move, Doctor? Do we engage him?"

The man gets up, leaving a few credits on the table. With his eyes still fixed on them, he begins moving silkily through the room, weaving past tables with slumped patrons, some bleeding, some not. "Engage him?" Bones repeats, hastily getting up. "No, Spock, we do not _engage _him. In this case, we avoid him as best as we can."

"You are suggesting we run?"

"As though hellhounds are chasing us, yes." Bones makes for the door as calmly as possible, Spock following close behind. When he glances over his shoulder, he notes that the man has picked up pace as well.

"Do we return to the _Enterprise_?" Spock asks.

"Jim will kill us if we let that madman onto the ship. We play avoidance tactics, Spock. Hopefully the crew gets to us and gets him alive so we know once and for all what Admiral Gluk Keueitt is up to."

"A logical process, Doctor. Very admirable. I did not think you were capable of such plans."

"Is that your logical side talking, Spock?" Bones grabs his arm and begins running as fast as he can. "Because that's not going to help us right now – I need fear. Start running, damn it!"

* * *

Caring!Spock is a little harder to write than I thought - so I hope I did it justice!

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	17. Chapter 17

We're almost there, guys.

Disclaimer - Star Trek = not mine.

* * *

The roads on Tu'van are barely roads – Bones would really classify them more as alleys, really – and the cramped spaces makes it difficult for them to know where they're going. Which is why Bones doesn't find it altogether surprising when one of their twisty turns leads into an alley and a dead end.

"Go the other way," he begins to say to Spock, only for the words to die on his lips when he sees their stalker standing at the mouth of the alley.

"Mr. Spock," the stranger says. Under any other circumstances, Bones might have classified it as _friendly_. "Pleasure to meet you."

"And who are you?" Bones demands while trying not to breathe too heavily.

"My name is Zalsra Tintissi. You are familiar with my name, yes?"

"A notorious bounty hunter," Spock says from beside Bones, breathing thin and shallow. Bones thinks bitterly about how he still sounds so composed even when he's bent, hands on his knees. "Wanted in seventeen galaxies and over thirty planets."

"I see my reputation precedes me," Zalsra says, a smile gracing his features. Bones takes a long hard look at him – he is slim, with piercing green eyes and a crop of black hair. A blue stripe runs vertically down his face, from his forehead down to his chin. "And who is your companion, Mr. Spock? I must admit, I did not think you would be accompanied by anyone."

"I don't see how this is of any paramount importance," Bones retorts.

"Stubborn to the very end. They did say that would be a trait." Zalsra sighs. "What a shame that you have to be taken alive, Mr. Spock. The hunt would have been so delightful." He raises a phaser and points it directly at Spock's chest. "Your comrade, however – I have no instructions regarding him."

Bones steps in front of Spock, making sure that he is behind him. "They? Who's they? Who hired you, Mr. Tintissi?"

"Step aside, Mr. Spock."

"You haven't answered my question."

"Seeing as to how this phaser is set to kill, not stun, I don't think I am obligated to answer any of _your _questions." Zalsra gestures with his phaser. "Move, Mr. Spock."

"You either take us both alive or you take us both dead," Bones shoots, hoping that his plan for stalling the assassin works. "And since you have to leave me alive, you really don't have a choice."

The bounty hunter bares his teeth. "I don't like being backed into a corner, Mr. Spock. Step aside, or orders be damned I _will _shoot you both."

"The Federation will not be pleased to hear that you attempted to murder two senior officers," Spock warns.

"Luckily for me, I'm only attempting to murder one."

"You will be found out."

Zalsra laughs. "As you pointed out, Mr. Spock's unnamed friend, I am wanted in seventeen galaxies and on thirty planets. Notoriety is the name of my game. _I _don't care if my name is on these murders." He licks his lips. "And since you have no means of stopping me, you apparently have no choice but to comply with my demands."

"We do not negotiate with terrorists," Bones tries. _Chekov. Kid. Where are you_?

"Well, fortunately for you, I'm not a terrorist. Just a bounty hunter looking to profit." Zalsra's smile now seems permanently etched on his face, a cold, impersonal upturn of the lips that belie his remorseless interior. "I didn't think that you had friends, Mr. Spock. Nor did I know that you would be so loyal to them."

"Believe me, it defies logic," Bones mutters.

"I'm going to count to three," Zalsra continues. "And then I'm going to shoot your friend, whether you're in my way or not. You got that, Mr. Spock? One."

"Doctor," Spock whispers. "It is only logical that I spare your life and go forward."

"Are you out of your Vulcan mind?" Bones mutters back. "I'm not leaving you. We do this together or not at all."

"Two," Zalsra sing-songs.

There's a pressing on his hand before Spock whispers. "I thank you for everything, Doctor. Say goodbye to Jim and Nyota for me."

"Spock-?" Bones feels a surge of fear as Spock's fingers leave his.

"Thr-" But Zalsra doesn't get to finish his sentence. Spock is suddenly _there _with a speed that Bones hadn't even realized he was capable of; he's on top of Zalsra, lunging for Zalsra's gun even as it discharges when the startled assassin pulls the trigger. Taken by surprise, the assassin topples backwards and Spock crumples to a heap.

Bones doesn't realize he's yelling until he's on top of the assassin, wrestling him for the gun that he still clutches in his right hand. "Tell me who you work for," Bones snarls.

"So much emotion, Mr. Spock," Zalsra sneers. "Didn't think you had it in you."

_"Tell me_!"

"You'll have to kill me first." And then in an unprecedented move, Zalsra dislodges Bones with a swift scissor kick. "Sorry, Mr. Spock. Orders are out the window now. Guess I'll have to kill you."

But his kill shot does not hit his target – Bones' head. It catches him in the chest, sending a jolt down his spine; but Vulcan strength is much more than human strength, and Bones is able to tackle Zalsra once more, holding him by the neck. "Tell me," he demands. "_Tell _me."

Zalsra only smiles that insouciant smile at him even as Bones slams him against the wall. Red blurs Bones' vision; he can hear his heartbeat thudding in his ears. _Kill him_, a part of him growls. _He deserves it. _He could do it, he knows the pressure points, the medical training comes back to him crisp and clear and he can think of about seven different ways to kill this man-

But another part of him stays the wild emotions. _Bring him back to the Enterprise, _it says, _living for him will be worse than death. _The voice sounds like Spock, and Bones anchors himself to that voice, bringing him back to reality, grounding him again.

"Aren't you going to kill me, Mr. Spock?" Zalsra asks sweetly, and Bones almost loses it before an idea drifts into his mind, a memory of standing for hours in the medical room with an irate Spock and a grinning Jim.

Bones doesn't hesitate. He reaches for Zalsra's neck and pinches it, watching with satisfaction as the assassin's eyes roll back and he collapses to the ground, motionless and unmoving. "No," he says, "not today."

Suddenly, the ground feels as though it is moving beneath his feet, roiling and breaking with the tumultuous waves of emotions threatening to drown him. "Spock," he gasps, suddenly feeling light-headed and breathless. He looks down at his chest and almost wishes he hadn't when he sees the blood staining his uniform. _Damn, _he can't help but think, _Jim isn't going to let me live down this one_.

But he pushes it aside for the moment and crawls towards Spock, who is lying twisted in a heap. "Hello, Doctor," Spock croaks, and Bones almost wants to cradle him and weep, but he pushes the thought away and chooses to focus on being businesslike. "Well done. You learned the Vulcan nerve pinch."

"Yeah, no thanks to you. Next time we have to learn something we're doing it in a high-risk environment so I can pick it up faster." Bones tries to blink the spots in his eyes away as he tries to find where Spock was hit. "Where does it hurt, Spock?"

"I do not know," Spock responds. "I have lost all feeling."

"Well, that's nothing new," Bones snaps.

Spock almost frowns at him. "You are crying, Doctor."

"Am I?" Bones lifts a blood-stained hand to touch the tracks on his face. "Suppose I have lost all feeling too."

"Ahhh…" Spock lets the word drift on an easy breath. "I do not think that is your problem, Doctor. You will never lose all your feelings."

"Is this some stupid metaphor about how you're the brain and I'm the emotions? Because that's the worst metaphor I've ever heard. You ought to leave those to me." The spots are getting brighter now, and Bones isn't sure how long he can stay up, but everything be damned, he wasn't going to let Spock die here. Not in an alley on a strange planet. Not all alone. _Uhura is going to _kill _me, too._

"Am I dying, Doctor?"

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

"I admire your persistence." There's blood bubbling on Spock's lips.

"That the only thing, Spock?" Bones laughs bitterly. "Come on. Stay with me." He can taste the rust on his own lips, feel it seeping out of his chest.

"I cannot." Spock closes his eyes and for a moment Bones feels as though time has stopped.

_Keep talking_, Bones thinks even as he's fighting an internal desire to fall asleep. "Spock?"

"Hmm."

Bones reaches over and finds Spock's hand, which is growing colder by the minute. "What you did back there." He smacks Spock as hard as he can while ignoring the surge of pain in his body. "That was completely illogical, even by my standards."

"You would have done the same for me."

"The point was that we either died together or not at all. I was counting on the _not at all_ part of that phrase."

"Ah," Spock sighs. "Perhaps that was an error on my part. I acted on instincts."

"Instinct to get yourself killed," Bones snorts. "Now you'll have to patch your own wound up and you didn't even do it well while you were practicing on a simulation."

"Doctor, remind me who said, 'To err is human'."

"Alexander Pope," Bones answers, feeling a little alarmed at how suddenly Spock is switching topics.

"Indeed," Spock says wearily. "I have erred much in my judgment, Doctor. Does that make me human?"

Bones can't help but smile, and now he can really feel the tears building in his eyes. "A lot of things make you human, Spock," he says gruffly.

Spock smiles quietly. "I am glad to hear it, Bones." His voice is wavery; he's fading fast and this worries Bones more.

"Stay with me," he says, his own voice shaky. The spots are getting brighter and the world is beginning to swim in and out of focus, but he forces himself to stay here, anchored to a dying friend. _Together, or not at all, and I'll be damned if we die together now._ "Spock. _Please_. Jim will kill us both if we both die here."

"If he has not already killed himself," Spock mumbles and Bones laughs, but his laughter becomes hysterical when there's the sound of voices from around the alley and they sound like Uhura and Chekov and then they round the corner and Bones has never been so _happy _to see them and –

* * *

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	18. Chapter 18

You didn't _really _think I was going to end with that last chapter, did you? :)

I'm glad you guys enjoyed it - thank you so much for all the reviews and follows and favourites. I appreciate that you took the time out of your day to write a few words, phrases, paragraphs; it means a lot to me and I can't convey how humbling it is. Y'all are wonderful.

We are almost at the end, so hang on tight!

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.

* * *

"Don't get yourself killed," is the first thing Bones remembers hearing when his consciousness decides to play nice and come back to the world of the living. "_Ooooh, Jim, be careful, don't go and do anything stupid, _but look at you lying in this bed and _God, _Bones, what the hell?"

The sound of Jim's voice trickles through Bones' subconscious like molasses, but before he can fully grasp what the voice is saying, the sedatives kick in and he's under again. This is how it is for the next few days as he drifts in and out of consciousness, hearing Jim's constant grousing and occasionally, Uhura's soothing voice reciting his vital signs. Once, he vaguely recognizes Chekov's voice cheerfully (if not with a tinge of sadness) reading him a new breakthrough in the medical field before Sulu's practicality draws him away.

But finally, one day he's awake enough to hear Jim complaining again. "-all the time in here, not enough time on the bridge and it's _your _fault, damn it Bones, if Starfleet hears about this-"

"Is that what I always sound like to you?" he mumbles as best he can and is rewarded by a delighted laugh from Kirk.

"Yeah, it is," the captain agrees, grinning when Bones finally finds it in himself to open his eyes, wincing at the bright, sterile med bay lights. His bright smile doesn't distract Bones from the overwhelming relief in his gaze. "You took a while coming out of it, Bonesy."

"Don't call me that," Bones groans. "Go away. Let me sleep."

"Are you _kidding_? This is the first time I've gotten to speak to you in a week. I'm not letting you go back to sleep."

"I hate you."

"You don't know how good it is to hear you say that."

Before they fall back into their usual bickering, Bones asks: "How's Spock?"

"He's up and about – woke up a few days ago. He took a pretty nasty wound to the chest, but I guess you already knew that."

Bones hums, feeling his voice vibrate in his throat. "I did." Then his eyes fly open and he stares at Kirk. "Wait, no, _I _got shot in the chest." His fingers fly up and begin patting his chest, freezing when he finds no scar to signify anything has ever happened. Then he realizes Kirk is smirking. "What are _you _laughing about?"

"Well… you were asleep for a week. So Mr. Chekov and I may have taken a few liberties with the problem of physics."

"You… descrambled and reassembled me."

"If you want to put it _that _way, then yeah, we did."

"_Damn it, Jim_!" Bones howls.

"I don't know what you're so uptight about – we managed to get you back to your body," Kirk protests.

Before Bones can find it within himself to throw something at the still-smirking captain, the doors hiss open and Spock himself walks in, looking none the worse for wear. "Ah, I thought I heard the Doctor's voice from down the hall," he says.

"It's a relief to see that face back to its usual expression," Kirk says, getting up.

"What expression do you mean, Captain?"

"You know. The blank one."

Spock only stares at him until Kirk gives up. "Alright, whatever, fine. I'm going to have to leave, Bones. I'll come back to visit later, alright?"

"Don't come back," Bones grumps, but Kirk only grins wider because he knows that's Bones' way of saying _yeah, see you later, _and it's just so _good _to hear that Southern sass again.

"Doctor," Spock says once the doors close behind Kirk. "How are you doing?"

"Well," Bones says dryly. "I'm surprised we're not dead, for one. For two, I have a splitting headache. For three-" He stops, features softening. "But how are you, Spock? That chest wound isn't anything serious, is it?"

"It hit where your human heart is usually located, Doctor." Spock takes Kirk's recently vacated seat next to Bones' bedside. "You may presume that I am grateful for the Vulcan anatomy."

Bones laughs sourly. "Sure. It still hurt like hell."

"It does, although I am unsure as to whether you have experienced deistic damnation. Still, there are issues to be addressed. Prisoners to interrogate."

"Yeah, what are you doing to the bounty hunter? What's happened since I've been out?"

"We have been keeping him in our containment facility. As it turns out, our prisoner possesses a certain fear of confined spaces. His current situation is not… shall we say, _optimal_ for his constitution."

"I wish I could say I was sorry for him," Bones mutters.

"So do I, Doctor, but try as I may, I can find no sympathy for a man who would have murdered us both in cold blood." Spock leans back in his chair. "Lieutenant Uhura is in charge of negotiating with him in order to discover what he may know about the Argelians and their motives."

"Which means she's probably taking him to hell and back," Bones says, remembering how Uhura had once terrorized an entire group of students for practice during an interrogation class back at the Academy. He hasn't looked at her the same way since. "And the Argelians?"

"Once Captain Kirk confronted them with their deception, they promised us safe passage through the Belt. As it turns out, the reason why they wanted me alive was so that they could utilize my intelligence in order to rebuild their home planet."

"And I'm guessing Jim wasn't too happy about that."

A tiny smirk appears on Spock's face, not unlike the one Kirk usually wears. "Captain Kirk may have used some very choice human terms of annoyance to express his displeasure with the situation."

"Did we ever find out why they backed off so quickly the first time they ambushed us?"

Spock coughs. "As it turns out, Admiral Keueitt is an extremely inept tactician. He panicked and ordered the retreat before realizing his error. You apparently produced a very good bluff."

Bones snorts a derisive laugh before he winces. "Oh, God, my head."

"It will be sore for a few days," Spock supplies. "Nurse Chapel assures me, however, that you will be able to resume your usual post in a week or two. It will be a relief for me to relinquish all medical-based predicaments to your area of expertise."

"Why, Spock, it's as though you're saying I'm better than you at something," Bones quips, his mouth quirking in a smile.

Spock inclines his head in acknowledgement. "One thing, Doctor. You are better at one thing."

"I'd bet my horses that's not a correct assumption."

"Were gambling not against regulations, Doctor, I would take you up on that wager."

Bones wheezes out a laugh. "Hey," he says. "Thanks for not dying on me back in that alley."

"That would have been an impossible task as you were shouting at me," Spock deadpans. But he, too, softens. "Thank you, Doctor, for holding on to me."

"Friends?" Bones offers his hand.

Spock does not hesitate. He takes Bones' hand in his and shakes firmly. "Friends, Doctor."

Then he lets go of Bones' hand and adds with what could be described as humour: "Besides. As you have said before, there needs to be two of us to keep Captain Kirk in check."

"Damn fool would get himself killed without us."

"A very likely assumption, Doctor."

* * *

Aww look at you two getting along.

Much love,  
ohlookrandom


	19. Chapter 19

Here we are... at the end of all things. I am glad I have had the opportunity to write this fic, and I am so thankful for everyone who has been such a great support all these chapters!

So without further ado... let us bow out gracefully.

Disclaimer: Shhhhhhhh

* * *

Things slide back to normal in the span of the next few days. If anyone is concerned about the previous erratic behavior of the CMO and First Commander, they are wise to keep their mouths shut.

"_How _did you manage to get those crew members on the bridge to shut their trap?" Bones asks Kirk one day while they're in the mess hall.

"I didn't," Kirk says around a mouthful of apple. "Uhura did."

Bones looks over at their xenolinguistics expert, who only smiles slyly and continues to dig into her food. All she will say on the matter is that she monitors all communication logs on the ship. Spock smiles into his soup but Bones only blinks, puzzled.

Uhura never explicitly thanks Bones for complying with her request, or for helping bring Spock back to her; but she does always take his side in arguments against Kirk, more to irritate the captain than anything else really. Bones understands the fact that she by nature is discreet, so the only way he will ever acknowledge their private conversation is by asking her once if the nightmares have stopped.

Her simple _yes _is filled with a thousand _thank you_s and that alone is enough to satisfy Bones.

There is a subtle dynamic shift between Chekov and Spock, oddly enough, and Kirk can't put his finger on it. "He doesn't follow me around anymore," he says to Sulu one day, puzzled and slightly hurt. "Know anything about it?"

Sulu only laughs. "Why, you jealous, Captain?"

"Maybe," Kirk says thoughtfully as he watches Chekov race over to Spock, holding new sheets of notes and numbers. "Do I have to fight Spock?"

"If you did, I highly doubt you would win, Captain," Sulu says in an amused tone as he turns back to piloting the ship.

"Hey…"

In the end, Kirk thinks, they really have come out of this unscathed. He watches his crew as they go about their duties on the ship, seamlessly making the ship run. He could not be prouder of the people in front of him – his crew, his family, and his friends. His gaze lingers particularly long on Bones and Spock as they argue over one of the medical reports, and his smile widens a little.

"Any particular course, Captain?" Sulu asks. Beside him, Chekov waits to enter coordinates. Uhura is bent over her screen, but she looks up briefly to say, "Waiting for your orders, Captain."

Kirk glances over at Spock, who has withdrawn himself from the argument with Bones and is standing at attention again. Beside him, Bones is scowling, though there is a trace of amusement in his face, suggesting at least a reluctant acceptance of the Vulcan's argument. And Kirk thinks about how he's stuck with these two, and his smile only widens.

"Corralsh System, Mr. Sulu." He waits for the helmsman to give him the _all clear _sign. Then he looks over at his two best friends.

He could be stuck with worse, he thinks.

"Punch it, Mr. Sulu." He grins. "Let's go."

And in a blink of an eye, they're all gone.

* * *

I feel like I just waved goodbye to a close friend as they sailed away on a ship.

Much love (LOTS OF LOVE!),  
ohlookrandom


End file.
